*(A whimsical rewrite for Western audiences, blending martial arts chaos with sitcom-style shenanigans)*
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By a babbling creek, Lin San stood frozen like a statue, his soul crushed as he watched eight-year-old Qin Feng splash around with his violet-haired companion, Zi Yuan. The boy had just shattered Lin San's pride with a single sword move—a self-invented technique called *Sky-Splitting Draw* that fused sword intent and an unshakable "Invincible Sword Heart." Lin San, trained by the legendary Long Sky Sword God, had been outclassed by a child who probably still believed in the Tooth Fairy.
*Ding-dong!* A cheerful chime echoed in Qin Feng's head. **"Congrats, Host! You've emotionally wrecked the Chosen One™, Lin San! +100,000 Villain Points!"**
Qin Feng's eyes lit up like a kid spotting a candy store. He waded out of the water, dripping wet, and tugged Lin San's sleeve. "Hey, Lin Bro! Your sword skills are *so cool*! Teach me the basics, pretty please?"
**"Basics!?"** Lin San's face turned tomato-red. "You've got the *Invincible Sword Heart* and you're asking *me* for help? Are you mocking me?!"
Qin Feng's lip wobbled. Big, fat tears pooled in his eyes as he flung himself at Zi Yuan, burying his snotty face in her robes. "Zi Yuan Jie-jie! Lin Bro's being *meaaan*! I swear I only know how to *pull* the sword out! The rest is… uh… improv!"
Zi Yuan glared at Lin San, channeling the fury of a mama bear whose cub had been insulted. "Back off, Sword Boy! He's *eight*! You're out here getting schooled by a toddler who still thinks nap time is mandatory!"
Lin San's eye twitched. "I'm not—! I just… *how* does someone master the Invincible Sword Heart *before* learning basic stances?! It's like baking a five-tier cake without knowing flour exists!"
*Ding-dong!* **"+100,000 Villain Points! Keep roasting him, Host!"**
Qin Feng patted Lin San's shoulder, oozing faux sympathy. "Don't feel bad, Lin Bro! You'll get there! I mean, *I* figured it out last night after a *really* gassy bean stew. Maybe try eating something spicy?"
Lin San's soul left his body. He grabbed his sword and stumbled away, muttering, "I need an adult… or a therapist… or a time machine to undo this humiliation…"
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**Meanwhile, Up in the Sky:**
*BOOM!* The clouds parted as a man clad in golden armor descended atop a six-legged, fire-breathing lizard-dragon. His voice boomed like a stadium speaker: **"Qin Feng! By order of the Great Xia Emperor, your tiny head is MINE! Prepare to meet your doom, ankle-biter!"**
The crowd gasped. "It's Everlasting Sun Marquis Chang Kun! The emperor's personal attack dog!"
Qin Feng blinked. "Uh-oh. Someone forgot their midday nap."
Before Chang Kun could swing his comically oversized halberd, the ground quaked. A squad of elders in neon-green robes teleported in, led by a wizened man riding a floating teapot. **"Not today, Chang Kun! The Qin Clan handles its own brats!"**
Chang Kun sneered. "Your 'clan discipline' is a joke! Last week, this gremlin turned your sacred training ground into a bubble bath spa!"
The Qin elder, Tenth Ancestor, shrugged. "He's *creative*. Now scram before I turn your lizard into a handbag!"
**"ENOUGH!"** Chang Kun fired a flare shaped like his face into the sky. Seconds later, the horizon filled with armies—eunuchs in spiky hats, shadowy ninjas, and even a battalion riding disco-ball armored rhinos.
Tenth Ancestor paled. "You brought… *the IRS*?!"
**"Worse!"** Chang Kun cackled. "The Imperial Tax Collectors, the West Bureau Opera Singers, *and* the Royal Meme Army! Today, Qin Feng dies—even if I have to cancel *all* my yoga sessions!"
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**Qin Feng's Survival Tactic™:**
The boy tugged Zi Yuan's sleeve. "Jie-jie, got any escape talismans? Maybe a portal to Candyland? Or…" He gasped, eyes sparkling. "What if we challenge them to a *dance-off*? I've been practicing the Floss!"
Zi Yuan facepalmed. "We're surrounded by 10,000 bloodthirsty soldiers, and you're—"
*SLAM!* A rhino-riding soldier charged, only to trip on Qin Feng's strategically placed banana peel (conveniently looted earlier from a comedy-themed dungeon).
"See? Classic prank never fails!" Qin Feng grinned, dodging a falling disco ball. "Now, who's up for *chaos mode*?"
*Ding-dong!* **"Host's 'Trolling the Armies' quest activated! Rewards: Unlimited confetti bombs +100% sass boost!"**
As the battlefield devolved into a slapstick frenzy—eunuchs slipping on buttered noodles, ninjas tangled in rainbow glitter nets—Lin San watched from a hilltop, sighing. "Why do I feel like the universe's punchline?"
**To Be Continued…**