Pierre slumped deeper into his couch, the blue glow of his tablet illuminating his face in the darkened apartment. The clock on the wall ticked past 3 AM. Empty energy drink cans formed a small fortress around him. Three hundred fifty-eight chapters. He'd powered through Three hundred fifty-eight chapters of "Pirate Lord's Great Adventure" based on his friend's enthusiastic recommendation.
Fuck, I have MMA in seven hours. I should sleep, but…
"This is the last chapter," he muttered, thumb hovering over the screen. "Then I can finally sleep."
The tablet dimmed from inactivity. Pierre tapped it awake and continued reading.
Captain Jack Steelheart pressed his face between Mermaid Princess Coral's ample bosoms. "I can feel my Spirit growing stronger!" he declared as golden light emanated from her cleavage. "With the power of your Royal Mermaid Essence, I'll definitely become the Pirate Lord!"
"Oh Captain!" Coral moaned, her scales glistening. "Take as much of my essence as you need! I believe in you!"
Pierre threw the tablet onto the couch cushion beside him. "What the actual fuck am I reading?"
He grabbed his phone and opened the WebNovel app, navigating to the review section for "Pirate King's Harem Adventure." The novel boasted a 4.2-star rating across hundreds of reviews. The most recent ones read like religious testimonials:
"OMG Chapter 2156 was FIRE!!! Jack x Raven x Ninja Empress threesome was everything!!!"
"Best pirate story ever written!"
"The world-building is God-tier. The romance is chef's kiss"
Pierre's eye twitched. He hit the "Write Review" button and began typing furiously.
ONE STAR: AN ABSOLUTE DISGRACE TO PIRATE FICTION
by MemoryMan404
I've just wasted fourteen hours of my life reading 358 chapters of what might be the most disappointing piece of fiction I've ever encountered. My friend (who I'm seriously reconsidering my relationship with) recommended this garbage, claiming it was "Two Pace with spice." Let me be clear: this is Two Pace if it was written by a horny 14-year-old who's never touched grass or a woman.
The world-building actually shows promise. The Grand Blue concept with its unique islands, the different pirate crews with distinct cultures, and the mysterious United Government – all genuinely interesting. The magic system based on "Spirit Seeds" has real potential. The political intrigue between nations could be compelling.
But then there's Captain Jack Steelheart. What kind of pathetic self-insert protagonist is this? He literally powers up by touching women's breasts. LITERALLY. His "Boobie Boost" ability might be the most pathetic power system I've ever seen in fiction. He's supposedly a feared pirate captain, yet he nosebleeds and faints around attractive women until it's convenient for him to suddenly become competent.
And the female characters! They start with actual personalities and goals! Coral was initially a rebel princess fighting against mermaid oppression. Katana was a skilled swordswoman seeking revenge for her dojo. Raven was a brilliant navigator with trust issues. Then they meet Captain Boob-Power, and suddenly their entire existence revolves around getting this loser to touch their chests for "power-ups."
2000+ chapters of this exist. WHO IS READING THIS? HOW? The author should be ashamed. This could have been a masterpiece of pirate fantasy, but instead, it's just sad wish-fulfillment for people who've never felt the touch of another human.
Save yourself. Read literally anything else.
Pierre hit "Post" and tossed his phone aside. He'd expected to feel better after venting, but the frustration still simmered. Fourteen hours of his life he'd never get back.
His phone buzzed almost immediately. A notification from WebNovel:
You have a new reply to your review from PLGA_Author
Pierre raised an eyebrow. The actual author responded? He opened the app.
PLGA_Author:
Thank you for your "feedback," MemoryMan404. I see you've managed to read 358 chapters of something you claim to hate. Interesting dedication! Perhaps you're just jealous that Captain Jack gets more action than you ever will? The "Boobie Boost" system is actually a metaphor for how love and connection empower us, but that's probably too deep for someone who doesn't understand the complexity of my narrative. My 2.3 million loyal readers seem to appreciate what I'm creating. Maybe stick to children's books if adult themes make you uncomfortable? 😉
Pierre sat up straight, sleep forgotten. The audacity of this hack writer to defend his breast-powered pirate trash was too much.
MemoryMan404:
"Adult themes"? Is that what we're calling your juvenile breast fixation now? There's nothing adult about a protagonist who gets nosebleeds every time he sees cleavage. And don't pretend there's some deep metaphorical meaning behind "Boobie Boost." You wrote a scene where Jack needed to fondle the entire female crew to power up his ship to escape a whirlpool. That's not metaphor, that's sad.
Your 2.3 million readers are either bots or people who read with one hand. The real tragedy is that your world-building actually shows talent. You created this rich universe with interesting politics, geography, and magic, then populated it with cardboard cutouts whose only purpose is to make your self-insert protagonist feel special.
PLGA_Author:
Oh look, the literary critic has returned! Tell me, what masterpieces have YOU published? It's always the talentless who criticize the successful. My "breast fixation" has bought my mom a house. What has your superior taste earned you?
You clearly missed the entire point of the Whirlpool Arc. The crew shared their spiritual energy with Jack because they TRUST him as their captain. The physical contact is merely the conduit. The fact that you reduce it to "fondling" says more about your mindset than mine.
If you're so concerned with "real literature," why not write your own story instead of attacking mine? But that would require actual creativity, wouldn't it?