Let me start by saying—
It wasn't my fault.
I didn't ask to become a human airbag for the school nurse.
I didn't summon her with dark magic.
I didn't chant "booba collision" three times in a mirror and wait with open arms.
I was just sitting in the infirmary.
Quiet.
Alone.
Minding my own damn business with an ice pack on my head and a prayer in my heart.
And then, boom.
Tits to the face.
Again.
Rewind.
After my little courtyard deathmatch with Itsuki, I decided to take a tactical retreat.
To the nurse's office.
A safe place. A neutral zone. No romantic subplots. No emotionally vulnerable heroines.
Just a cold bed, a locked door, and some dusty curtains that smelled like Band-Aids and disappointment.
I sat down on the cot.
Took a breath.
Told myself this was the turning point.
This was where I stopped being the manga's resident walking red flag and became the mysterious, stoic side character who only speaks in single words and saves cats from traffic.
Then the door slammed open.
And in came Tachibana Mayu, the school nurse.
Now, quick recap for those not obsessively reading my life like it's serialized: Mayu is in her twenties, a former model, and canonically the "cool older woman" character.
She only appears in two chapters of the manga, but they are two very important chapters.
Because in Chapter 9—
She develops a crush on me.
Which would be fine.
If not for the fact that she also has a fiancée.
Yep.
A grown-ass man.
And I, a reincarnated pervert in a high schooler's body, am apparently irresistible to all lifeforms with mammary glands and trust issues.
"Ah, Kazuki-kun!" Mayu said, pushing up her glasses with that classic sexy teacher meets flirty chaos energy.
"You're here again. What is it this time? Emotional exhaustion? Testosterone poisoning?"
"Social overexposure," I grunted. "Too many eyes. Too many thighs."
She laughed.
Mistake #1.
"You always have the weirdest answers," she said, walking over with her signature sway that has probably ended marriages.
Then came Mistake #2: she tripped.
No joke.
Same freaking way Mio did.
This time on a loose folder she dropped herself.
And then—
Gravity.
Momentum.
Tachibana Mayu.
Landing.
Directly on top of me.
Her chest hit my face like a truck made of sin.
The tray she was holding went flying. A thermometer stabbed the wall. I think a blood pressure cuff tried to hang itself.
And I?
Was trapped.
Under a full-grown woman.
With my hands in God-knows-where and my face in National Geographic territory.
Inner monologue: "Don't breathe. Don't speak. Don't twitch. There is no way to explain this. Even blinking right now could get you expelled."
Mayu blinked down at me.
Blushed.
And then giggled.
OH NO.
"Kazuki-kun," she whispered. "If you wanted my attention, you could've just said so…"
I DIED.
My soul left my body.
Ascended to heaven.
Was promptly kicked back down with a note taped to my forehead that said, "YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF."
Just then, the door opened.
Because of course it did.
And in walked—
Yuna.
Holding a small lunch box.
Eyes wide.
Mouth open.
Scene ruined.
"Y-Yuna—" I started.
She dropped the lunch.
Spun around.
Ran.
"NOPE," I shouted, flinging Mayu off me like I was rejecting Satan's temptations.
"NOPE NOPE NOPE—"
I shot after Yuna, knocking over a rolling tray and stepping in mystery ointment on the way out.
By the time I caught up to her, she was halfway down the hallway, power-walking like she just found out I had a secret love child with the gym teacher.
"Yuna! Wait! It wasn't what it looked like!"
She turned, cheeks red. "I—I was just trying to bring you lunch!"
Her eyes started to glisten.
Oh no.
Not the tears.
Not again.
"Yuna, please," I said, hands up like I was being arrested for emotional terrorism.
"She tripped! She literally fell on me! I am a victim of tit-based gravity!"
She sniffled. "You looked so… comfortable."
"I was suffocating! I had a full boob-to-airway blockage! It was medically dangerous!"
That made her laugh. Just a tiny snort.
Progress.
"I'm sorry," I said, a little softer.
"I'm really not trying to hurt you. Or anyone. I'm just… trying not to screw everything up."
She stared at me.
And then—of course—the moment got worse.
Because from down the hall came Kurosawa Itsuki.
Holding the dropped lunch box.
Like the pure-hearted anime boy he is.
"Yuna," he said gently. "You forgot this."
She looked at me.
Then at him.
And then—
She smiled.
At me.
WHY.
WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME.
Itsuki's grip on the lunchbox tightened.
I swear I saw a crack form in the plastic.
Yuna turned. "Thanks, Itsuki-kun."
She took the lunch from him with both hands…
And walked away.
Back to class.
Leaving me.
With her boyfriend.
And my guilt.
And Nurse Mayu's perfume still clinging to my soul like evidence in a courtroom.
Itsuki didn't say anything.
Just looked at me.
Then walked past.
Silently.
But I felt it.
That aura.
That "I trust her but I don't trust you" pressure.
That slow unraveling.
The spiral continues.
And me?
I just stood there.
Head against the wall.
Thinking about Buddhist temples.
And chastity belts.
And the possibility of gouging out my charisma stat with a rusty spoon.