It began, as most celestial catastrophes do, with a very petty insult.
The Supreme Marshal of the Crimson Sky Realm declared during a tea banquet:
"Azure Cloud Sect is barely divine. Their guardian is just a... fat housecat."
He laughed.
His generals laughed.
Unfortunately, the universe heard.
The Dao Tree shivered.
And somewhere, curled on a mossy sunstone, Whiskers sneezed.
That same night, ten divine generals from the Heavens launched a formal condemnation of Azure Cloud Sect, accusing them of "illegally harboring a feline force of unpredictable cosmic disruption."
The next morning, a literal army of clouds appeared in the skies.
Armored storm beasts. Sword Saints. Flaming chariots. Bureaucrats with scrolls of wrath.
The Celestial War had begun.
Panic consumed the sect. Disciples sharpened swords. Elders wept into scrolls. Even the koi fish began swimming in formation.
Elder Mei clutched a trembling teacup. "They're sending Heaven's Wrath Formation. Our defenses will last maybe… five seconds."
Xi-Xi flapped by, trails of fire feathers behind her. "We need Master!"
"He's not here!"
"What do you mean he's not here?!"
"I mean," Mei hissed, "he's GONE."
He wasn't.
Whiskers was asleep inside the bell tower. Inside a drum. Wrapped in three blankets. No one thought to check.
Meanwhile, Heavenly armies began descending like divine judgment.
Flaming spears lit the skies.
Thunder beasts growled war hymns.
A sword made of galaxy light sliced through the sky and carved a crater near the herb garden.
A celestial bureaucrat shouted: "YOUR CAT IS AN UNREGISTERED DEITY!"
Xi-Xi, panicked, dove headfirst into battle.
"FINE! If you want our cat, you'll have to get through ME!"
She exploded.
Literally.
Her flames ignited into phoenix bloomfire, tearing through one-third of the assault force. The sky turned red-gold with wings of fire.
Disciples gasped.
She burned through three divine generals in a swirl of sparkles and squawking.
"I'M NOT READY FOR THIS BUT I'M DOING IT ANYWAY!"
One general shouted, "WHY IS A CHICK THIS STRONG?!"
Elder Mei: "Because she was raised by him."
As the battle raged, a tiny rumble echoed through the sect grounds.
The bell tower chimed.
Once.
Twice.
Thrice.
Then the giant bronze bell flew into the air and exploded in a burst of moonlight.
And floating within, still mid-nap, Whiskers stretched.
The heavens stopped.
The armies froze.
Time slowed.
The Supreme Marshal's tea shattered in his hand.
Whiskers blinked once.
Flicked an ear and fell asleep again in mid-air.
A ripple of Dao pressure burst from his body.
It was not an attack. It was ambient grumpiness.
The winds stopped.
Swords refused to unsheath.
Divine beasts turned on their masters and demanded cuddles.
The universe—feeling mildly ashamed—folded the battlefield into a dream sequence and politely erased all aggressive declarations.
The clouds retreated.
The bureaucrats rewrote history.
The Supreme Marshal turned into a decorative rock.
Whiskers floated gently to the moss stone below the Dao Tree and curled up again, tail flicking once.
The Azure Cloud Sect was hailed across realms.
Disciples wrote odes. Beasts held celebrations. Xi-Xi was offered the Phoenix Crown of Nine Songs (she declined because it "looked itchy").
Whiskers was declared:
Universal Peacebringer
Oneiric War-Ender
The Great Unconcerned
Shrines were built.
A statue sculpted.
Poetry read.
He slept through all of it.
Three Days Later
Elder Mei approached the moss rock. Whispered: "The Celestial Realms have offered peace… and a lifetime supply of spirit fish. Do we accept?"
Whiskers opened one eye.
"Send the fish."
"But the treaty—"
"Send. The fish."
And so, a war that shook the stars ended not with a cataclysm… but with a catnap.