Cynthia
My hands had slid down to my thighs. I gripped it for too long.
Gripping. Pressing. Like if i held myself tight enough i could handle the slow
deprecition of my poise.
I didn't notice i was holding so hard
until one finger poked through the fabric og my dress, nudged past the space
between the folds and found skin. Did i hurt myself? Even if i didn't, i felt
pain.
The music played in the backgrounds, his
speech still ongoing. Should i stay? Or Should i leave?
I wanted to tell my self that i was okay,
"I am okay," but i wasn't.
He looks to my direction from time to
time - somehow hastening is presentation. I could hear what he was speaking
about. i just knew that he was there.
it was almost as if the air had changed.
To a gas that wasn't mean for me to breathe. I held my breathe for seconds
thinking i was ready to make a split second decision weather to stay or leave.
He was soon to finish his speech. What would it take from me to stand up and
leave? My Poise?
The air was becoming unbearable to stay
in, i really could breathe.
i stood. Not with grace, to hell with the
elegance. i just rose.... He must have seen me.
i didn't excuse myself, neither did i
glance towards the stage. I walked away. Each step heavy like i was dragging a
weight that drew me back. Like i was pushing through an immense force.
But i did, i finally left. The moment i
reached the stairs, my body became lighter and my breathe released.
I sat on one of the steps letting out
enough air to compensate the one i couldn't take. loud and shallow breathe.
next i heard claps from downstairs. Knowing that he might come up to look for
me, i zoomed off into my hotel room.
I rushed straight to the bathroom and sat
on the toilet sit. I looked around in silence and then buried my face in the
palms of my hands. Blew out air. It's okay, it's okay now, i said to myself. So
i took a deep breathe in - enough confidence to leave the toilet, take off my
dress and take a sleep. A long sleep that could make me forget what i saw.
About to take off my earring, a hard a
swift, urgent knock at the door. i furrowed, and looked over my shoulder.
Another knock and my heart tripped to the floor.
i went to the door, "who is
it?" i said.
"Mrs. Levi, i was told to call you
for your speech."
"Oh..." i was supposed to be
next. What do i do?. Going down therewas the last thing i wanted that night. i
swallowed.
i coundn't lie that i was running a fever
or i wasn't feeling well. i didn't come here to be a liability for my husband.
He could handle everything himself no matter how hard, i decided to make it
easier for him. If i decided to lie about not feeling fine, the event will lose
momentum.
"He's counting on me, he's counting
on me," i whispered to myself.
i strode to the the mirror, took up my
heels, sat on the bed, wore them and headed out. My steps became slow when i
was about to reach the last floor to the venue.
The moment i stepped down, a bright spotlight shone upon me "We present to
you award winning writer, film maker and diva! Cynthia Levi!"
The smile i had on my face wasn't forced,
i took in the hype as a way to boost by confidence and stop me from scaning the
room for who i didn't want to see. i didn't want to see him but I wanted to.
Paradoxical right?
I made my way to the stage as everyone
clapped. i stood in front of the microphone. Smiling. Too long. I looked
around.
"So... good day everyone..."
finally i spotted Levi. His smile as wide as it has always been. He winks at me
and mouths "Go babe."
"thank," i spoke out my
thought. I needed that.
"First of all i'd like to thank
everyone for attending this event. it's an event for creatives in Africa and
the world. Being a writer is not just writing... it's writing first, taking a
break, thinking, researching, procrastinating and writing again. i went through
this stages. Every writer has, and these stages are okay to pass through. But
there's one that made some of this stages too long that it becomes toxic for
our stories and creativity as a whole. It's underappreciation of our work.
imagine a community where a child's drawing or little electric car would be
carried, looked at, smiled at and the child is told "This is beautiful,
keep doing this," not just that, this children are elevated and taught
more about what they do and are motivated. Audience - what do you think will
come of this community?"
I held the microphone out - one of my
favourite things to do when i'm presenting or giving a speech.
i went down the stage to hear what a
woman had to say, "what would become of that community?" i asked her
and gave her the mic.
"The children will be enlightened
and the community will be filled with bright minds."
"please a round of applause for this
elegant lady in purple - oh! were both wearing purple, hands of applause for
the both of us please!"
The whole audience clapped and i went
back to the stage. I took a deep breath letting down the playful tone.
"Now, it is the responsibility of
the elders of the society, us, the priviledged - if i may say, to give them the
oppurtunity to share their story, their voice and we'll see many others
embracing literature again like wild-fire. Now that's the purpose of Universal
Publications - the world's first no gate keeping platform that helps writers
publish their work and have them seen globally and also give them the
oppurtunity to bag awards and accolades. We know this movement will improve the
world, so lets join hands and make this work... Thank you"
Everyone claps almost non-stop till i
left the podium. As i returned back to my seat, i couldn't find Damson. Levi
approaches me from a distance. i smiled at him as he approached.
"Nice presentation Cynthia," a
poised woman walking by complimented.
"Thanks," i replied.
Another person called from my other side,
"Cynthia," a presence i thought was my husband's. I turned to my
other side with a smile on my face. It slowly quenched. It was him... Damson.
One hand deep his his pocket, the other
rubbing fingers together.
"Damson," i whispered.
clenching my teeth together.
"Can i...?" he gestures to sit
beside me, but i gestured to the seat opposite me. He sits there.
"How have you been?" he still
has that curled, deceptive smile. How the hell did i even notice it so quick?
"Fine, You?"
"i'm great"
A
short silence struck in, "You are a writer now?" he asked like he
never knew.
"Always been," i nodded severeal times way too much till i
noticed and stopped. i looked at him in silence - head still high, but my
heartbeat steadying in disgust. Why should i be nervous? am i nervous? i
Questioned myself. I'm not supposed to but i guess...
"Pretty ring," he chukles with
his eyes dartung from my ring to my face.
"Thanks. Your's?"
He shook his head "no, not
yet."
"Not yet?," i said smiling, and
moving with whatever act he thought he was putting up.
"How long would it take you? six
years?" i said that smiling. We looked at eacother for a while. My smile
slowly quenched. He smiled, what else could he do? make himself look like a
fool?
I rose, "I have to go," i
wasn't nice seeing him but i said "Good to see you."
Just when i was about to leave, i heard
Levi's voice from behind.
"Love you did wonderful"
My mood brightened in childish excitement
not just beacause Levi arrived, but beacuse he got to see who i've got, you
know what i mean? a kid showing another kid their lolipop. That kind of
excitement. And with resentement deeply rooted beneath.
"You think so?" i asked Levi.
Levi notices Damson, "Hey, you were
the second presenter right?"
"Yes, Damson Idris," Damson
stretched his hand forward for a handshake. Levi shakes him.
"Levi..." Levi added, "A
nice speech you did up there," Levi complimented him.
"your wife did great," Damson
said, "Even better."
Levi looks at me and smiles, "Let
her decide that one." He pauses for a while, "You know
eachother?"
Silence sets in and one of us was
supposed to speak before Levi gets suspicious.
"Yes," Damson replied.
i quickly countered, "Just today -
already catching the networking vibe."
Damson's eyes shimmered for a split
second, trying hard to keep up his smile. He looked like he was ashamed. What
did her expect? Tell my husband that he was my ex? and ex is an 'X' canceled.
He was supposed to be an X forever but, here he was... back in my life. Not for
too long, i thought to my self.
"Are you up for a drink?" i
asked Levi.
"hmhm..." Levi replied holding
my hand, "See you around Damson," Levi greeted as we left. I didn't
look back, i wanted to... but i didn't.
"What a successful evening,"
Levi said in such a breathy and satisfied manner as he drew a chair for me to
sit without even looking at me. It was his habit - he didn't have to show any
emotion like a smile or anything. He just does it. I sat and he sat beside me.
Now the perfume... Hm! I looked at Levi.
"This is new," i said.
"what is?" he asked and took a
sip of wine.
"Your perfume... That's a new
one."
"Well? They're abundant," he
chuckled.
For a while i let in the frangrance. This
isn't the kind of perfume Levi would use. It smelled too feminine right that
moment.
"What's the name of the
perfume?"
"I honestly don't know, babe. Maybe
if we go upstairs? we'll check, okay?"
"Okay... cheers" i took up ad
glass of wine and we both clank th etips of our cups together.
As i drank from the cup, i looked up and
could see Damson looking my way... lost before i caught him. He smoothly rolled
away his eye balls and then his face before changing the direction of is chest.
Suddenly, i put myself in his shoes. How
is he feeling? He must be feeling terrible. Yes, he is but... Why is he alone?
Or was he lying? Damson was not the kind to be alone. He always had someone. I
guess he found someone immediately after i couldn't work anymore. Hell, why am
i thinking about this?
My body felt numb for a while as i tried
to figh the thought... calm myself. I still couldn't stay downstairs.
"Love, i have to go upstairs."
"Why? are you okay?"
"Yes this dress, i cannot stay in it
any longer," i loved the dress, don't get me wrong. I just wanted to
leave.
"Are you going to change?"
"What i asked?" What did he
mean by am i going to change?
"Your dress," he added.
"I don't think so, Levi. I need
rest."
I was about to rise when he speaks,
"But you came here to help..."
i rose and listened, "It's just the
first day, the job today isn't much. Let's sit and have a chat. There are good
writers here to network with."
"I can see that, Levi." i
didn't come here for them.
"We barely have time for ourselves,
let's have fun."
I swear i wanted to stay, i wanted to be
with him. But what was the point of it if i couldn't really take hold of the
moment and honestly say that i enjoyed the night. i couldn't enjoy it.
"i'm sorry, Levi"
He nodded without a word, slightly bitinf
his lower lip. I ignored it and walked off.
"I was hoping we'd go down together," he
said, mimicking my words from lately. i paused on my track and looked over my shoulder.
"Really?" his scoffs and takes a cup of wine.
I took a deep breathe, looked at my side.
Damson. Staring. He had seen us.
I looked away and walked, forcing
eachstep until i went out of his sight.
I closed the door behind me and Slowly
slid to the floor letting out a deep breath. Levi is upset. i hoped that he
would calm down and not keep malice with me. He was good at it. The highest for of silence treatment. I
couldn't be scared of that when i had alot going on in my head.
I rose from the floor and headed to the
refrigerator. A bottle of hot drink sitting in it, i took it out and gulped in
a few. I didn't drink, but it was the best option to drop off the load in my
head.
i laid down on the bed stomach flat,
closed my eyes. He's back... I know he had things to say. I made it seem like I didn't, but I had too.