Chapter 1: The Wedding I Didn't RSVP For
Lila woke up with a splitting headache, a dry mouth, and something heavy on her finger.
A ring.
A very fancy, very infernal-looking ring.
It glowed red. It pulsed. It might have growled at her.
She blinked and sat up—only to realize she wasn't on her lumpy spring mattress back home. She was lying on what appeared to be a massive bed carved from obsidian and... was that a headboard made of bones?
Her pillow whimpered.
Actually whimpered.
"Oh, HELL no."
She shot up and fell off the bed with a loud thud, landing on cold black marble. She rubbed her elbow and looked around. The room was huge, dramatic, and very gothic. Torches lined the walls, flames flickering blue. Giant tapestries showed creatures being sacrificed to floating eyeballs. And sitting on a throne of literal fire... was a man.
Well. "Man."
He had horns, crimson eyes, and hair blacker than her student loan debt. A long, red cape billowed around him even though there was no wind. His jaw was sharp enough to slice bread, and his smirk could get a girl arrested in twelve kingdoms.
"Ah," he said, his voice deep and smooth like melted chocolate, if melted chocolate wanted to devour your soul. "My bride awakens."
Pause.
"...I'm sorry, your what now?"
"My bride," he repeated, as if it were obvious. "We were married last night. A lovely ceremony. You screamed a lot. The goblins cried."
Lila's mouth flapped open like a broken toaster.
"I... I was at my apartment! I fell asleep after eating expired instant noodles!"
The demon prince (she assumed) rose from his throne with the elegance of a cat who knew it owned everything. "Indeed. You sleepwalked. Into Hell. Right into my wedding circle. We took your presence as a divine sign."
"WHAT?!"
"To be fair," he added helpfully, "you did say 'I do.' Though it sounded more like 'I—don't puke on my shoes,' but that was legally binding in our realm."
Lila stared at him.
Then she stared at her ring.
Then she screamed.
The demon didn't flinch. "Adorable."
***
Somewhere between bargaining with a bat-winged lawyer and nearly getting eaten by a chandelier, Lila concluded two things:
1. This was real.
2. She was absolutely, utterly, demonicly screwed.
"My name is Kaelzareth, Supreme Flame of the Eighth Circle," the prince introduced as they walked down a hallway filled with portraits that blinked at her. "But you may call me Kael. Husband, if you're feeling frisky."
"I'm feeling murdery," she muttered.
He chuckled. "Oh, I love when they fight it."
"Why me?" she asked. "There must've been, like, thousands of hot demon ladies ready to marry a hell prince."
"True. But prophecy stated my bride would arrive sleepwalking, wear socks with cartoon frogs, and shout 'YEET' as she entered the altar. You fulfilled all criteria."
"I want a divorce."
"Impossible," Kael said cheerfully. "Our union has already shifted the realms. The moon bled. Seven goats sang opera. My mother is knitting you a welcome shawl."
Lila groaned. She was still in her Hello Kitty pajamas. She was married to a demon prince. And her pillow just sent her a wedding gift via mouth.
"Do you at least have coffee?"
Kael looked scandalized. "Only the blood of the damned."
She sighed. "Close enough."
***
Later that day (or night, or eternal abyssal hour), Lila sat on the flaming throne beside Kael, glaring at everything and everyone.
The court of Hell was ridiculous.
One demon kept offering her cursed muffins.
Another tried to duel her for her shoelaces.
Someone in the back was crying because their pet slime turned into a tax accountant.
Kael sat beside her, clearly enjoying her discomfort.
"I still don't get what you see in me," she muttered.
"You are chaos incarnate," he said fondly. "The first mortal to scream 'THIS IS NOT AN IKEA' upon entering the underworld."
"I was disoriented!"
"You threw a cursed sword at the high priest."
"It was wiggling!"
He leaned closer. "You are unpredictable, brave, and just mad enough to survive this place. You are, quite literally, my perfect match."
Lila blinked.
That was... oddly sweet. In a very psychotic, demonic, horrifying way.
"Still want a divorce," she said weakly.
"I'll let you decorate the torture chambers."
"...Can I have throw pillows?"
"You may have a thousand."
She sighed. "Fine. But if you ever summon a goat choir again, I swear I'm leaving."
Kael smirked. "Deal, my demon queen."
Lila looked around Hell.
It wasn't so bad, she guessed.
Maybe she could make it work.
At least until she figured out how to annul a prophecy-based marriage accidentally caused by expired noodles and sleepwalking.
But for now...
"Okay, fine. But I want coffee. Real coffee."
"Doom beans it is."
She facepalmed. "Close enough."epwalking.
But for now...
"Okay, fine. But I want coffee. Real coffee."
"Doom beans it is."
She facepalmed. "Close enough."