It is a universal truth that no good story truly begins until a goat steals classified government property.
This, tragically, was such a story.
Three days after Kang's fortress imploded like a deleted plotline, Peter Parker found himself back in Queens, sitting in the ruins of a bodega he'd once saved, trying to tape together a webbed-up toaster. He wasn't entirely sure why the toaster mattered. Maybe because it was the only thing that hadn't tried to kill him this week.
Deadpool kicked open the front door holding two bags of groceries and a third bag labeled "NOT STOLEN" that was absolutely stolen.
"So," Wade said, setting down a bottle of glittery blue soda, "the goat has officially entered Phase 2."
Peter didn't look up. "There was a Phase 1?"
"Yup," Deadpool said, pulling out a laptop and slapping it onto the counter. "I've been tracking him through multiversal newsfeeds. This morning, he liberated a small Wakandan drone, led a jailbreak at a TVA archive, and disrupted traffic in six timelines by inserting copies of Morbius into the time stream."
Peter stared. "You're kidding."
"Worse. I'm quoting CNN: 'Multiversal anomaly resembling goat-like cryptid spotted moonwalking atop Liberty Island's temporal beacon. Authorities baffled, reality compromised.'"
Peter ran a hand through his hair. "What does it want?"
"Hard to say. But if you zoom in on this shot from Earth-618…"
Wade pulled up a grainy photo.
The goat was mid-jump.
Behind it: Dr. Strange's sling ring.
On its head: Tony Stark's AI-glasses.
In its mouth: a TVA pruning baton.
Peter blinked. "That goat has more gear than the average Avenger."
"And," Wade said, zooming in further, "look at the graffiti behind it."
Painted on a crumbling wall in neon yellow:
FIND THE THREAD.
Peter stood slowly.
"The Narrative Thread," he murmured. "That's what Kang was after."
Deadpool nodded. "And now our little hooved friend has it in his cloven clutches. Isn't that delightful?"
Peter grabbed his suit. "Suit up. We're going goat-hunting."
Location: Earth-718 (a.k.a. "The Fashion Universe")
Time: Thursdayish
In this universe, every person dressed like they were on the cover of Vogue. Buildings wore capes. Pigeons strutted in designer heels. There was a civil war between Gucci and Prada that no one spoke of.
And in the center of it all, a goat was being chased by six variant Lokis down a runway.
Peter and Wade stepped through a sling ring portal right into chaos.
"Why is the goat wearing mascara?" Peter asked.
"Don't judge," Wade said. "This dimension has aesthetic standards."
The goat — now dubbed "Billy" thanks to Deadpool's insistence — leapt over a Prada billboard, evaded a time net, and headbutted a Loki into a fountain of glitter.
"Split up!" Peter shouted, swinging high while Deadpool rocket-skated across a diamond bridge.
Billy, spotting Peter, locked eyes.
There was something… ancient there.
Something aware.
Peter's spider-sense flared, not in danger — but in story.
The goat knew things.
It wanted Peter to follow.
And then — poof — the goat vanished through a fold in reality.
Deadpool skidded to a halt. "Did he just teleport using a shoelace and spite?"
Peter nodded. "He's not running. He's leading."
Wade tilted his head. "Leading us where?"
Answer: Earth-3145.
A dead Earth.
Desolate. Gray. Echoing.
The only structure left standing was a twisted remnant of the Sanctum Sanctorum.
Inside, amid layers of dust and memory, the goat waited.
Peter approached slowly. "Why here?"
Billy — calm now — walked to a stone tablet. He nudged it open with a hoof.
Inside was a chamber.
Circular.
Old.
A stone loom sat at the center, its strings glimmering with stardust and ink.
"The Narrative Loom," Peter whispered.
Wade whistled. "That thing writes the canon?"
Peter nodded. "Or stabilizes it."
Etched on the wall:
IF ONE THREAD BREAKS, THE OTHERS FRAY.
Billy pawed at the loom — and a strand fell loose.
Reality hiccupped.
Peter was suddenly wearing a clown wig. Wade had six arms.
Then it stabilized.
Peter realized what was happening. "Someone — or something — is trying to unravel this. Kang wanted to control the Loom, but the goat… it wants to protect it."
Wade tilted his head. "So our goat is basically… a narrative guardian?"
"Exactly."
Peter stepped forward, tying the loose thread back to its place.
The Loom shimmered — briefly projecting future events.
A flash of a courtroom.
Peter, in a black suit.
Deadpool, testifying.
A judge banging a gavel carved from Mjolnir.
Peter stepped back. "This… this is bigger than me. Than Kang. Someone else is pulling strings."
The goat turned — and from its collar, projected a hologram.
A symbol appeared.
One Peter hadn't seen in years.
A web.
In the center: an hourglass.
Deadpool leaned in. "That's…"
Peter said it out loud.
"The Web of Time."
The walls rumbled.
Somewhere distant, something woke up.
Billy snorted.
The Loom dimmed.
Peter turned to Wade. "It's not over."
"Not even close," Wade replied. "We've got a goat that can time-jump, a loom that writes reality, and a multiverse that's literally unraveling. Also, I think I swallowed a paradox."
Peter sighed. "Back to work."