Tiffany Haddish: Kids Have Amnesty...SAY ....what!?
Bedtime Betrayal—The Lies You Tell About "Five More Minutes"
Inspired by the TV show and the fearless humor of Tiffany Haddish. For more on Tiffany, visit tiffanyhaddish.com.
Bedtime Betrayal—The Lies You Tell About "Five More Minutes"
Every kid knows bedtime is just a fancy word for parental power trip. You say it's about "rest," but we know you just want the TV to yourself. Tonight, with full amnesty, we're calling out every bedtime scam, story shortcut, and snooze-time sabotage you've ever tried. Sweet dreams? Not tonight.
The "Five More Minutes" Fib
"You always say, 'Five more minutes,' but it's never five. It's either right now or never. I've seen hostage negotiations with more honesty."
The Bedtime Story Shortcut
"So you're reading 'just one chapter'? Funny, because last night you skipped three pages and changed the ending. I know how 'Goodnight Moon' goes, and it's not 'and then everyone fell asleep, the end.'"
The Pajama Power Move
"Why do you care if I wear pajamas? You sleep in an old T-shirt from college. If pajamas are so important, why don't you wear matching ones?"
The "Monsters Aren't Real" Myth
"You say there are no monsters, but you check the closet, too. If you're scared, just say so. We can face them together."
The Nightlight Negotiation
"You say I don't need a nightlight, but you leave the hallway light on for yourself. Who's the scaredy-cat now?"
The "Go to Sleep" Guilt Trip
"You say, 'If you don't sleep, you'll be tired tomorrow.' But I've seen you up at midnight watching reality TV and eating ice cream. You seem fine."
The Blanket Blunder
"You tuck me in so tight I can't move. What is this, bedtime or a burrito-making contest? I need to breathe, not be marinated."
The Stuffed Animal Audit
"You say I have too many stuffed animals, but you're the one who bought them all. Now you want me to pick favorites? That's cold."
The "It's Late" Lie
"You say it's late, but it's still light outside. I know how clocks work. Nice try."
The Sneaky Screen Time
"You say no screens before bed, but I hear TikTok in your room. If you get one more 'just one more video,' I want one more story."
The Water Stall Shutdown
"You say I'm stalling when I ask for water. Maybe I'm just thirsty. Or maybe I'm just trying to avoid your bedtime breath. Either way, let me hydrate."
The "Dream Big" Directive
"You say, 'Dream big!' but then you tell me to go to sleep and stop talking. Which one is it?"
The Sleep Schedule Scam
"You say bedtime is the same every night, but on weekends you forget. I'm not the only one who loves a late-night snack run."
The "Sleep Tight" Sendoff
"You say, 'Don't let the bedbugs bite.' Now I'm scared of bugs. Thanks for that."
The Ultimate Verdict
"Look, I love you, but if you want me to believe in bedtime, maybe stop lying about it. Or at least let me stay up until you fall asleep—just to keep things fair."
Special thanks to Tiffany Haddish for keeping the spirit of childhood hilarity alive. For more, visit tiffanyhaddish.com.