The sun beat down lazily as Oliver planted the beach umbrella on the cracked sidewalk outside the JusticeFindr office building. The long line of desperate, hopeful superheroes stretched down the block like a malfunctioning parade.
He unfolded a flimsy folding chair with a metallic creak, plopped down, and slid on his shades.
From the corner of his eye, he saw Larry — an old man in a wheelchair with a bulky camera rig duct-taped to the side — already recording with one eye closed.
Oliver let out a sigh, half amusement, half exhaustion.
"I doubt anyone's really watching this…"
He muttered, brushing his messy bangs out of his face.
"But if I can squeeze out a few hundred bucks, maybe I can still pay back the money I spent on those concert tickets for me and Anna."
He lazily tapped a pen against his clipboard.
"Alright, contestant number zero-one…"
He glanced down.
"Invisi-Bill?"
An overweight man in painfully tight neon-blue spandex waddled into view. The suit clung to his every chub like static cling to a balloon.
He threw his arms wide.
"BEHOLD! I am Invisi-Bill, master of stealth!"
Oliver blinked. "Okay… show me what you got."
Invisi-Bill struck a pose, chest out, arms bent dramatically.
"WITNESS MY POWER!!"
Silence.
He stayed perfectly still.
Nothing happened.
Oliver tilted his head. "… I can still see you."
Invisi-Bill's face flushed like a microwaved tomato.
He twiddled his fingers and rubbed his knees together like a shy toddler.
"Uhm… I-, I have performance anxiety. My powers only work when no one's watching."
"Huh? You turn invisible when no one's watching?"
"Mhm…"
Oliver lowered his sunglasses just enough to look the man dead in the eyes.
"So… you're just a regular guy?"
"No, no!"
Invisi-Bill insisted.
"Technically I'm invisible most of the time! Like, when you blink! Or turn around! Or when—"
"NEXT."
[Livestream: 45 viewers]
[Bro's power is just being unremarkable. Same.]
[Stream host legit got more presence than this guy. And he's dead inside.]
[TF is this? 💀 This dude really said he's invisible when no one's looking LMAOOO]
[Bro just described social anxiety not a superpower 🤧]
[Actually, I got a friend like that. Invisible to society. Also unemployed.]
[Well maybe we're ALL invisible when it comes to recognition and value in the modern workforce.]
└ [Damn moral dude just dropped a TED talk.]
└ [How do I goon to this shit 😭✌️]
[10 bucks to NEVER let that guy back again.]
[$10 Donation Received!]
･･･
Oliver glanced at the screen and silently placed his phone face-down beside him.
"Next up…"
A towering 7-foot-tall woman with long, flowing black hair stepped forward. Her deep brown skin gleamed under the sun. She had piercing blue eyes, a sculpted body, and wore a tight, shiny leotard that looked straight out of Battle Siren's wardrobe.
Her breasts were large and firm—too firm.
They didn't bounce. At all.
[Would y'all smash?]
└ [Grass is green ahh question 💀]
[Why they not jiggling tho?]
└ [FR 💀 I just know her baby gonna be sucking straight concrete outta those titties.]
└ [This shit killing me 🤣. Why they so strong tho?]
└ [Is it genetics? Or does height make em stiff?]
└ [Taller women = denser muscle fibers = stiffer breasts. SOCIAL MEDIA SCIENCE. ✨]
└ [Man stfu]
[THAT'S what y'all commenting on??]
└ [I'm sorry, your Lordship 🤨 should we be talking about the political and economic state of the country?]
└ [This shit frying me bruh 😭]
└ [FR tho, bro the typa dude to read a nutrition fact and make everybody feel bad about eating Doritos.]
･･･
"My name…"
The woman said confidently, hands on her wide hips.
"… is Impervia. I have enhanced durability."
Oliver immediately perked up.
"Oh that's awesome! I'm guessing it's something like Empress or Lady Gigantica!"
He leaned forward, adjusting his shades.
"Okay, okay—let's see it."
Impervia got down on all fours.
She slowly arched her back… then shot her massive soft, honey-colored ass cheeks up in the air.
Oliver's brow twitched.
Then she dropped on all fours and PAH! slapped her own ass cheek to the point she licked her lips.
"Ahhh~!"
Even a moan managed to escape her steaming breath.
PAH!
"Uhnn~!"
Another moan came out.
PAAAH!
"Ahhnnn~ ❤️"
This was even louder.
[I just saw my dad peek over my shoulder, nod solemnly, and walk away. 🤦♂️]
[Yall ever get secondhand horniness? Cuz I'm in danger.]
[This is a content violation. Of my willpower. 👀]
[NEW TOP HERO - BOOTYQUAKE!!]
└ [Sure bro, top in the gooner charts maybe 💔]
[I'm not watching this—I'm surviving it. 😤]
･･･
Oliver sighed. "… No."
Impervia looked over her shoulder, confused.
"What's wrong?"
"You…"
It was difficult for Oliver to talk to her when all he could see was her face and the black middle strip that split her stinging red ass cheeks apart.
"You don't have enhanced durability…"
Oliver muttered as he scribbled on his clipboard.
"You're just a hardcore masochist."
Her face fell.
"Aww man, I really thought this was my shot…"
Oliver scribbled something down.
"Well, with your height, tight buns, a vagina that looks like its stuffed with a swollen burrito, sexy shape, and joy of getting spanked, you could make bank as a stripper — or, you know, service girl in Dubai."
Impervia sulked away.
[Live Chat]
[Ain't no way she practiced that whole act thinking she was gonna get a license. 💀]
[Lemme guess, her villain arc starts at the link in her bio.]
└ [HUH? 😭]
[I ran the data. That performance had high kinetic output but low superpower viability. Host was… correct.]
└ [Bro got a PhD in Bootyology. 💀]
["Service girl in Dubai" is CRAZY. Bro dropped a whole career pivot like it was a LinkedIn suggestion.]
[Bro out here like: 'This ain't a quirk. This a kink.']
･･･
"Next!" Oliver barked.
A short man strutted in, chest puffed like he was the final boss of accounting.
"Name?" Oliver asked without looking.
"I'm The Accountant!"
Oliver raised an eyebrow. "Power?"
"I can do anyone's taxes. Even if they're dead."
Oliver blinked. "… that actually sounds kind of useful."
The Accountant added proudly—
"Also, I will audit you. Even if you're innocent."
"Less useful."
[Live Chat]
[Tch, sounds like my ex-wife 😒]
[Why he look like a rejected Monopoly piece?]
└ [Real 😭 he looks like he's gonna file me for divorce.]
└ [Nah bro's got drip. Tax-coded drip.]
[Bro's power is emotional damage with paperwork.]
[Respectfully, I'd trust him with my taxes WAY more than the government 🤷♂️]
･･･
Oliver yawned and tapped his pen. "Next."
A man in a lab coat pushed a whiteboard full of equations.
There was already disinterest on Oliver's face.
"Please tell me you have time powers…"
"Call me Professor Quantum! I wield the unpredictability of reality itself!"
He flipped a coin.
It landed on its edge.
Oliver blinked. "… And what does that do?"
"Statistically improbable heroism!"
"Do you fight crime?"
"I argue with physicists online."
"… Next."
[Live Chat]
[Man's got potential and host too dumb to see it 💀]
└ [Let's be real, quantum uncertainty doesn't mean u get to be annoying.]
[He probably just nerfs the probability for coin flips and reddit debates — he's nothing like Captain Fantastic.]
[L take from the host. This man is RNG incarnate!]
[Statistically speaking, his usefulness is theoretical at best]
･･･
Next—
A middle-aged guy in flippers and a fishbowl helmet.
"Don't even tell me…" Oliver groaned.
"I'm Aqua-Dude! I can breathe underwater!"
Oliver immediately lit up.
"FUCK YES! We can work with that! Some training, budget support, gear upgrades — hell, maybe get you helping the coast guard—"
"But only… if it's carbonated…" Aqua-Dude added.
Oliver's soul left his body.
"So… soda."
"Yeah! Sprite gives me gills. And I think Mountain Dew lets me echolocate."
Oliver deadpanned. "And Red Bull gives you wings?"
Aqua-Dude laughed. "What? No. That's stupid."
Oliver tossed his pen. "Just go."
[RED BULL MISSED THE COLLAB OF A LIFETIME!]
[He echolocates with Dew? Wtf 💀]
[Give this man a Coke and an enemy sub!]
[THIS is our aquatic hope?? LMAO]
[Better than Invisi-Bill tho ngl 👀]
[Bro could actually still get a sponsor FR 🔥]
･･･
By now, the sun was dipping low.
Larry was out cold, drooling like a leaky faucet, the camera still somehow rolling.
Most of the heroes gave up and left, mumbling about sales at the local supermarket.
Oliver just sat there, alone.
He glanced at his clipboard. Still blank. Not one recruit.
"Bummer."
He looked at Larry, who snored like a pig with asthma.
"Well… he tried. Three hours was impressive."
Oliver stood and picked up his phone.
[Total Donations: $90.56]
He smiled faintly.
"Not much… but it's something. Still need about a hundred more to cover up for those tickets."
He stretched, cracked his neck, and said—
"Better help Dorothy pack up before they sell out."
He headed inside.
Out on the road, a sleek black SUV slowed to a crawl.
The tinted glass rolled down with a low hum.
Inside—
There was a very sexy woman in a black skirt suit.
She had long, wavy blonde hair, sharp violet eyes that were extremely attractive to look at, and a very seductive smile on her rosy lips as she smoked her cigarette.
She hungrily bit her lower lip.
"… Fun~ ❤️"