There were a lot of things Jiang Chen expected to face in life.
A duel to the death with a tyrant? Sure.
Being mistaken for a peerless genius? Not ideal, but manageable.
But being handed a silk robe covered in glitter and told to "radiate yearning"?
That was new.
"Why am I wearing this?" Jiang Chen asked flatly, holding out the absurdly flowy costume like it had personally betrayed him.
Pei Yun clapped her hands. "Because you're the male lead, obviously!"
"I said I didn't want to be in the play."
"You also said you didn't want to be revered as a cabbage sage, but look how that turned out!"
"That's different. I was attacked by produce. This is voluntary humiliation."
Pei Yun tilted her head, utterly immune to reason. "But you're so good at it."
"That's not a compliment!"
Behind them, the sect's open-air stage had been transformed into something truly heinous.
A massive backdrop painted with cherry blossoms.
Banners fluttering with phrases like "Let Love Bloom Like Broccoli" and "Together Through Tribulation—and Turnips."
Worst of all, a papier-mâché goose wearing a bridal veil sat center stage.
Jiang Chen pointed at it. "Why is that here?"
"The wedding goose represents good fortune," Pei Yun said cheerfully.
"I don't need a goose to bless my fake romance!"
"Then perhaps a real one?" came a voice behind him.
Jiang Chen turned, instantly regretting it.
There stood Lin Wuyue, already in costume—a flowing crimson gown that somehow managed to be both elegant and alarmingly flirty, embroidered with subtle flame motifs and... cabbages?
"Why are there vegetables on your robe?" he asked.
"Symbolism," she said simply. "Besides, it was either this or one with poetry. Want to hear the rejected lines?"
"Nope."
"'You stir my soul like a spicy stew—'"
"Please stop."
"'And my heart goes boom like a rogue cauldron—'"
"I will scream."
Wuyue smiled. "Then let's make this rehearsal quick."
"I'm not acting," he declared.
"Too late," Pei Yun said. "You already signed the contract."
"I what—"
She held up a scroll.
At the top: "Binding Rehearsal Agreement: Jiang Chen, Romantic Lead. No Takebacks."
Beneath his name was… his signature.
"I never signed this!"
"Oh, right. We had the goose forge it. Impeccable beakwork."
Jiang Chen stared at the goose, which blinked innocently and adjusted its veil.
He turned to Wuyue. "You're okay with this madness?"
She stepped closer, her voice dropping just enough to make his heartbeat do strange things. "I'm okay with pretending to be in love… if it means being close to you."
His mouth opened.
No words came out.
His brain was caught somewhere between "Romance Emergency!" and "Retreat to the mountains, immediately!"
Unfortunately, Pei Yun chose that exact moment to shove them both onto the stage.
"Opening scene!" she called out. "Lovers reunite beneath the cherry blossoms! Jiang Chen, you confess your undying love! Wuyue, you pretend to hesitate but secretly melt inside! Let's gooo!"
Jiang Chen stood there, blinking into the lantern-lit crowd.
Disciples surrounded the stage, excited whispers already starting.
He looked at Wuyue.
She raised an eyebrow. "Well?"
He cleared his throat, floundering. "Uh… Beloved. I—I have something to say."
She leaned in dramatically. "Oh? Speak your truth, oh cabbage heart."
"…Please never say that again."
"No promises."
He fumbled for words, entirely aware that several disciples were already swooning in the front row. "I—I once thought I needed nothing but peace. That emotions were distractions. That love was… spicy soup designed to destroy me from within."
Wuyue's lips twitched. "Go on."
"But now… after spending time with you, being chased by geese, enduring chili ambushes, and losing control of every single rumor about my life…"
He paused, stunned by his own honesty.
"…Now I wonder if peace is just an excuse I used to run away. And if maybe—just maybe—chaos with you is the only peace I want."
The crowd gasped.
Wuyue stared at him.
For the first time all day, she didn't joke. Didn't tease. Her eyes softened, and she stepped forward.
"You're a terrible actor," she murmured.
"I wasn't acting," he muttered back.
And before his panic could override his heart, she stood on tiptoe and kissed his cheek.
It was barely a brush—gentle, brief, and somehow devastating.
The audience exploded.
Cheers, swoons, spiritual fireworks. Someone actually passed out into a cabbage cart.
Jiang Chen stared at Wuyue in stunned silence. "That wasn't in the script."
"Wasn't it?" she said, eyes glittering.
"W-what does that mean?!"
Pei Yun shrieked from the wings. "THAT WAS PERFECT! THE CROWD THINKS IT'S REAL!"
Jiang Chen's brain short-circuited.
Wuyue leaned close again. "Then let them think it."
"I… I need to lie down."
"You're already lying to yourself, so go ahead."
He staggered offstage, holding his chest.
Behind him, the crowd was now chanting things like "Spicy Sovereign Love!" and "Kiss her again!"
Elder Goose threw confetti.
And somewhere deep within the sect's mountain, a cabbage trembled, sensing the stirrings of fate.