Jiang Chen awoke to the gentle rustle of leaves, the scent of dew on bamboo, and the serene chirping of morning birds. For once, the world wasn't ending in explosions or adoring disciples.
It was… peaceful.
He lay back, basking in the soft breeze, letting his limbs stretch like lazy noodles. "Finally," he sighed, "a moment of peace."
Unfortunately, peace had never signed a long-term lease on Jiang Chen's life.
"Faaaaaather!"
A voice pierced the calm like a drunken sword through tofu.
Before Jiang Chen could react, a blur of fur, fang, and—were those antlers?—tackled him to the ground.
"Wagh—Get off me!" he cried, wrestling the creature that had latched onto his chest.
It was… a beast. A fluffy, glowing, vibrantly green beast, about the size of a bear cub, with round ears, emerald eyes, and the energy of a puppy possessed by divine confusion.
"You abandoned me in the egg, but I forgive you!" the creature wailed, pressing its face into Jiang Chen's robes. "I've finally found my father!"
"...Excuse me?" Jiang Chen blinked, staring down at the furry menace. "I'm not your—what do you mean father?!"
The creature blinked, sniffling. "You held my egg last night. Your spiritual energy marked me. I've bonded to your aura. I am your child now."
Jiang Chen sat up slowly. "Wait. The egg I tripped over in the cabbage field? That was you?! I thought it was a rotten melon!"
[DING — You Have Imprinted a Spirit Beast: Verdant Cloudfluff Pup.][Name: Niu Niu. Cultivation Rank: Early Spirit Stage. Loyalty: Devoted.][Status: Believes You Are Its Biological Father.]
"No, no, no. I didn't sign up for parenthood! You're a beast! You can't just declare someone your dad because they touched you!"
Niu Niu sat obediently beside him, tail glowing faintly. "Father, shall we hunt dragons or till soil together? Shall we destroy empires or nap beneath the plum trees?"
Jiang Chen covered his face. "We're doing none of that. We're going back to sleep. Separately. On opposite mountains."
[DING — Niu Niu has begun copying your cultivation posture.][Morale +20. Disciples believe your new spiritual son is training under you personally.]
Before Jiang Chen could scream into the void, another voice echoed from below.
"Master Jiang! Trouble! The Cabbage Sect has arrived!"
He froze. "...I'm sorry, the what?"
Declaration of Agricultural War!
A sea of green robed cultivators lined the mountain path. Each bore a jade-inlaid staff shaped like a cabbage stalk. Their faces were solemn, their hair dyed to match bok choy, and their auras thick with vegetable intent.
At their helm stood a tall woman in shimmering robes embroidered with vines.
"I am Grandmistress Qing Cài," she announced, "Matron of the Verdant Fronds. We come in protest."
Jiang Chen rubbed his eyes. "Protest of what? Did I offend your salad?"
"You have committed three unforgivable crimes against the sacred legacy of cabbage."
"Oh boy. Here we go…"
"One: You recklessly cultivated atop ancient soil. Four of our Enlightened Cabbages achieved sentience and fled because of your overwhelming spiritual energy."
"I just pulled weeds!"
"Two: You composed cabbage-themed poetry that reversed karmic growth and altered destiny flows."
"You mean that haiku I wrote as a joke?"
"O Cabbage, still green,You listen better than most—Now teach me silence."
Qing Cài's nostrils flared. "Because of you, cabbage poetry is trending across seventeen provinces."
Jiang Chen opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again. "...What's the third crime?"
"You birthed a forbidden hybrid in your field—Cabbage-Kale. It sings."
They rolled out a glowing, humming cabbage on a small cart. It blinked. It began harmonizing.
He turned to his disciples. "Be honest. Am I being pranked?"
"No, Master," said Shi Yuyan earnestly. "They take crops very seriously."
"You have twenty-four hours to answer our challenge," Qing Cài declared. "Either face Agricultural War, or join us as the Saint of Soil."
"I'm not joining your veggie cult!"
"Then we summon the rite of WAR!"
The cultivators raised their staffs. Puppets shaped like cabbages stood on two leafy legs, glowing ominously.
And just as chaos was about to bloom—
Honk.
The Honk of Equilibrium
A majestic honk echoed from the heavens. All heads turned.
Descending on a lotus-shaped cloud of scrolls, feathers, and ominous elegance… came a goose.
Not just any goose.
Elder White Honk.
The disciples dropped to one knee.
Qing Cài's eyes widened in horror. "That aura… It can't be…"
"Honk," said Elder White Honk.
The crowd gasped.
Jiang Chen whispered, "Is he about to start a sermon?"
"No," said Feng Ziyun, "it's worse. That was… the Honk of Equilibrium."
Legend spoke of that honk—a divine sound used only when nature itself demanded balance. When last it was heard, three kingdoms paused war to host a radish banquet.
Elder White Honk waddled forward and, using his wings, drew ancient diagrams in the dirt.
They were… brilliant.
In under an hour, he'd negotiated a peace treaty that included:
Shared custody of the singing cabbage.
A joint poetry symposium.
Rotating supervision of a cross-sect garden by a goose-led council.
Grandmistress Qing Cài bowed. "The Soil Saint may remain here. We shall no longer pursue war. Instead, we grant him the honorary title… Green Sovereign."
[DING — Title Acquired: Green Sovereign. Plants now grow 17% faster in your presence.][Cabbage Sect Favorability: +70. You are now a marriage candidate for three cabbage priestesses.]
Jiang Chen stood there, numb, as vegetables danced and disciples toasted fermented bok choy in celebration.
He muttered to himself, "I swear… I just wanted to weed the field."
Niu Niu nuzzled him affectionately.
"Father," it purred, "I am learning so much from your noble chaos."
From atop the negotiation table, Elder White Honk honked again… in satisfaction.