I hesitate, torn between my anger and the desperate need to have her close. The rational part of me wants to push her away, but I find myself nodding reluctantly. I'm a goddamn fool.
I gesture to some benches nearby.
"Yeah, fine. We can sit over there."
We sit like that for a moment, in the dark, in silence. I'm trying to keep my breathing steady, trying to keep my emotions in check. I can feel her presence beside me, so goddamn close. I steal a glance at her, and even in the darkness, she's the most beautiful thing I've ever laid eyes on.
She sees me looking at her, and her eyes meet mine for a split second. In that moment, it's like an electric current pass between us. I look away again, my heart hammering against my ribs. I feel like an idiot, getting so damn worked up from sitting only inches away from her.
Finally, she breaks the silence, her voice soft like a whisper.
"I have to tell you something."
Her words get my attention, and my eyes snap over to her. I can only make out her shadowed silhouette, but her words hit me like a punch to the gut.
I mutter out the question I've been wanting to ask for so damn long.
"Okay. Go ahead then."
She pauses for a moment, gathering her thoughts. I watched as she rubbed her hands together, a nervous habit she used to do when she was anxious. My heart thumps in my chest as I wait for her to start, not even breathing as I try to prepare myself.
She finally takes a deep breath, and finally, her words come.
"Can I be completely honest with you?"
My throat tightens, my muscles tense.
"Yeah. You always can with me."
The words slip out before I can stop them, and I curse myself for the way I still sound so damn sincere.
Her shoulders seem to relax a little, and I can almost see the hint of a smile on her face.
She says softly, her voice so damn sweet.
"Good. Because I'm not going to lie to you anymore. I'm not going to give you any bullshit or try to sugarcoat anything, I just want to be completely honest."
I swallow, my mouth suddenly dry. I can sense she's about to lay something huge on me, and I brace myself.
I say quietly, my voice almost hoarse.
"Then be honest. I can handle it."
She nods, her expression turning serious. I can see her looking down at her hands in the dark, her knuckles white as she wrings them together.
She takes another quiet breath, almost like she's preparing for a long and drawn-out speech.
"What I'm about to tell you... it's going to change how you see me forever. So... I just want you to promise me. Just promise... promise that you'll stay until I'm completely done."
I swallow again, the feeling of dread building in my chest. I'm scared of what she's about to tell me, but I force myself to stay calm, to keep myself in check. I say hoarsely, my voice thick with emotion.
"Alright. I promise. I'll stay."
She nods, a small look of relief crossing her face for a moment before hardening again. I can see the tension in her shoulders, the way her body is coiled like a spring ready to snap. She takes another deep, shaky breath.
She seems like she's steeling herself for what she's about to say. I brace myself, feeling like every second drags on agonizingly slow.
She finally speaks, and I'm not prepared for the way my heart clenches at her words.
"Okay. Then I'll start from the beginning."
I force myself to stay still. Every muscle in my body is tensed like a wire, my mind racing as I try not to jump to conclusions. I know there's a story coming, and I know it's not going to be pretty. I manage a hoarse, "keep talking."
She nods, her eyes focused on her hands as she talks. I can see the tension in her every movement, and the sight of her so damn tense only makes me want to hold her in my damn arms.
She says quietly, her words slow and deliberate.
"The first thing you have to know is that everything… everything I'm about to tell you… is 100%, completely, entirely true. Swear to God, I'm not leaving anything out."
My heart sinks. I don't like the way she's prefacing this. All of her nervous movements, the way she's avoiding looking me in the eyes, the way she looks like she's bracing for some horrible reaction...it feels like a punch to the gut.
I do my best to keep my cool, even though I'm damn well certain that whatever she's about to tell me is going to change everything.
I say quietly, trying like hell to keep my voice even, "Alright. Go on."
She takes a deep breath, still avoiding looking at me. I can feel the tension radiating from her, like there's so much she's trying to find the words for.
She says softly, her voice shaking a little.
"The first important thing, the thing I've been hiding from you for years... is that there's a reason I left without saying anything. There's a reason I couldn't call, or write to you, or even send a goddamn text…"
I can feel my heart skip a beat, the dread in my chest almost too much to bear. I already suspected that she had a damn good reason for her silence, but even so, the anticipation is nearly unbearable.
I say gruffly, my voice tight.
"What was the damn reason?"
She finally looks up at me, and there's pain in her eyes, pain and regret, and something that looks like guilt. Her expression is hard, but I can see how much this is hurting her, how it's tearing her up inside to finally tell me this.
She swallows, her throat working as she fights to keep talking.
"The thing is... the reason I couldn't contact you... is because I wasn't allowed to."
I feel my heart clench. The knot of dread in my chest is tightening, making it hard for me to breathe.
I say through gritted teeth, my voice hoarse.
"You weren't allowed to. What do you mean, you weren't allowed?"
Her face is like a mask, but her eyes are filled with pain. I can see the way her hands are gripping her knees, the way her shoulders are almost shaking like she's struggling not to cry.
She says quietly, her words almost like a whisper.
"I didn't leave because I wanted to. I didn't leave you because I didn't care or just disappeared because I didn't love you anymore. I left because… because I was forced to."
I feel like my world is crumbling. Her words feel like a kick to the gut, and my head starts to spin.
I force myself to ask, even though I already know the answer.
"Forced to by who? Who the hell made you leave?"
Her eyes go dead, like all the light in her face has just been snuffed out. I'm looking at her, this girl I still love so goddamn much, and it looks like she's about to break apart.
She whispers, her voice almost emotionless.
"My father. He was the one who made me leave. He was the one who made me cut off all contact. He was the one who made me disappear, without a single goodbye, without even a goddamn letter."
I feel like the ground is falling out from under me, like the world has gone topsy-turvy. I don't even know what the hell to say. Her words are just not computing.
I manage to force the words out, my voice cracking.
"Your father. Your goddamn father made you do that? Why? Why the hell would he make you leave me?"
Her face looks haunted, like she's barely holding it together. I've never seen her look this shattered before, and it's tearing me apart. Every fibre of my being wants to reach out and hold her, to comfort her, to tell her it's all going to be okay, but I know she still has more to say.
She whispers, her voice almost empty.
"He made me leave you because he didn't approve of our relationship. He said you were holding me back, that you would do nothing but bring me down."
I feel like someone has just punched me in the goddamn chest. The air gets knocked out of my lungs, and for a moment, I feel like I can't breathe. Her words are so damn painful, I have to fight to keep even a little composure.
I manage to say, every word like sandpaper on my tongue.
"He said... he said I would hold you back. Hold you back from what?"
She's trying to stay composed, but I can see the cracks in her mask, the way her words are shaking, and her breathing is shallow. Her fingers are digging into her knees, like she needs to hold on to something, and I know I have to hear the rest of the story, no matter how much I don't want to know, no matter how much I know I'm going to hate the answer.
She whispers, her voice almost breaking.
"Hold me back from my potential. My career."
There it is. I already knew the answer, but it still hits me like a freight goddamn train.
I say through clenched teeth, the words so hard to get out it's like every letter hurts.
"He wanted you to leave me so you could pursue your modelling."
Her lip trembles, and her eyes are damp, and it's killing me to see her like this. I have to use every ounce of self-control to keep myself from reaching out, from pulling her into my arms and holding her tight.
She nods, a single tear escaping down her cheek as she whispers out the truth.
"Yes. He wanted me to go chase my dreams of being a model. He thought you were nothing but a distraction, just something that was holding me back from my success."
My heart feels like it's going to pound out of my chest. I feel like anger and pain and hurt are fighting some kind of goddamn war inside me, and the only thing I can think is that I need her in my arms, I need her next to me, I need to hold her. I say hoarsely, my voice shaking.
"The bastard told you to choose between your career and me."
Another tear slips down her cheek, and I can see the fight she's having to stay strong. The words are hurting her so badly that I have to physically hold myself back from reaching out to wipe the tears away.
She whispers, a bitter laugh escaping from her lips.
"He told me you were nothing but a dead end for my career, that I was wasting my time loving you when I could be becoming a star. And he told me… he told me I had to make a choice…between you and my career."
Another wave of hurt and anger washes over me at her words. I can hardly even form the words through the maelstrom of feelings inside me, all the pain and regret of the last six years suddenly rushing over me like a goddamn tsunami.
I say hoarsely, my voice breaking.
"And you picked your damn career."
Her voice breaks, and the tears are streaming down her face now. She lets out a single sob, and I feel every single one like a knife to the heart. She nods, a broken sound escaping her lips as she whispers shakily.
"I did. I picked my… my career. I picked… my success, instead of you. I was a coward, I know I was, but… I didn't realize… I didn't realize that picking a career over you would be the biggest goddamn regret of my life."
I bite down on my bottom lip, trying like hell to keep myself from falling apart. The words have hit me like a ton of goddamn bricks, and I'm struggling to stay standing. Every inch of me is aching to reach out to her, to pull her against me.
I manage to choke out the words, my voice cracking.
"You… you regret it. You regret picking your damn career over me."
She nods, her face twisting with pain and regret. I swear to God, I have to physically hold myself back from pulling her into my arms, from burying my face into her hair and holding her against my chest. She sobs again, and it feels like shards of glass in my heart. She whispers, her voice so goddamn broken.
"Of course I do. I… I've regretted it every damn day since then."
I stare at her face, her beautiful goddamn face, and all I want is to comfort her. I have to fight my body, every muscle tense and straining as I stop myself from reaching out to her. I manage to say through gritted teeth, every word hurting like hell.
"Every day? For six damn years, you've regretted leaving me for your career?"
She nods, another tear escaping her eye, and it's goddamn killing me not to reach out and wipe it away, to caress her damn face and make sure she never sheds another tear. She whispers, sounding like her heart is broken and shattered into a million pieces.
"Every damn day. Every day of the last six years has been hell without you. I think of you every day and every night, and… I've been hating myself for choosing my success over you for every single one of those days."
I feel like my chest is going to collapse. My hands are clenched into fists, and the muscles in my shoulders are so tense that they feel like they're going to snap. I'm fighting a battle in my head between wanting to comfort her and wanting to scream my lungs out at her. I manage to say, my voice so damn rough I don't even sound like myself.
"You… you were miserable without me. The last six years, without me, were miserable for you?"
She sobs, her body hunched over like she's trying to curl into a ball on the damn bench. It's taking every bit of my willpower not to reach out and hug her, to hold her close, and promise that I'm never letting her go again. She nods, fresh tears streaming down her face at my words, and the sight of her so damn vulnerable is killing me.
She manages to say, her voice shaky and broken.
"Every goddamn day without you has been horrible. Every single one."
Unable to hold back anymore, I hug her.
She lets out a sob as I pull her into my arms, my body finally acting on its own. The moment I feel her against me, her body shaking and trembling with so many unshed tears, I almost break down myself. I pull her into my lap, wrapping my arms tight around her body, holding her like she's the most damn precious thing in the entire world.
I whisper, my words choked and ragged. "Damn, damn it. You idiot."
She grips my shirt, clutching my shirt like a goddamn lifeline. Her body is shaking in my arms, and I can feel her tears soaking into the fabric. Her voice is ragged and broken against my chest, like she's been holding back this pain and heartbreak for far too damn long.
She sobs, her words muffled against my chest. "I missed you. I missed you so goddamn much. I missed you every day. I missed being in your arms, I missed talking to you, I missed… everything about you…"