Eric had appeared?! Or was it just an illusion born from my longing?! I rushed out of the room and ran down to the main staircase. My heart was pounding unevenly. I didn't know what to expect from this. I ended up seeing Eric downstairs, talking with Amélia.
— You can't come in here... I mean, you can't talk to Mr. Nathan. — The girl seemed anxious, almost a sweet sight. But I kept going down the stairs; a chill ran down my spine. I had to gather all the courage I had stored over the last three days.
— It's okay, Amélia. I can talk to Mr. Félix. — The girl looked desperate but just nodded and left toward the kitchen, casting a glance that said she could be called back anytime. I smiled gently.
— Blauth, why the hell didn't you say you were leaving the department!? — Eric looked more angry and impatient than usual. His face stirred a whirlwind of unnecessary emotions in me, making me want to fall into his arms and beg him to take me away from this place. Love was complicated and unwanted at that moment; my place was always here, at Gran Fort's feet.
— I thought you'd react badly. — I said simply, not wanting to sound cold, but seeing his face made me want to change my mind; I was already tempted to return to my old life. — Come. This isn't the place for us to talk.
I led him to the sitting room, the most private place besides the front hall. Félix seemed to snort in anger. Somehow, that pleased me, but I had to forget all that foolish romantic nonsense. My place was here, and no one else's.
— What do you want here? — I asked, sitting down, but the investigator stayed standing in front of me, looking at me inquisitively.
— I came to give you back your badge. — He pulled it out of his pocket, extending it toward me. That stirred something inside me. I didn't accept it. I shouldn't. It was just an object that should no longer have any importance.
— I'm not going back, Félix. I'm no good as an investigator. I only get in your way; I don't want to be a burden. My place is here. There's nothing to be done now, not after everything. — I said harshly, but those words felt carved into my body, my mind, my soul. It was like unloading a weight I would never shake off.
— Just come back. Gran Fort is still a suspect. Even if he raised you like a son... — I didn't let him finish that wrong idea and stood in front of him. I was getting irritated with this talk; the lie was eating me up.
— Gran Fort was never like my father. When I was eighteen, the young master of this house took me as his lover, and that was how it was until I became an adult. At twenty-one, I left home to chase my dream. But the Lord, my master... — That seemed to bother Eric deeply; he frowned with hatred. Jealousy? — He said... I would regret it and that being an investigator would never suit me. He was right... — I couldn't hold his gaze anymore, lowering my eyes to the floor. A naive boy thinking he could be more than the lover of a powerful man. It was almost a joke.
— ...That's nonsense. — I turned my eyes back to him; Eric was making me furious. Why wouldn't he take responsibility for all the harsh words he threw at me? Even if they were true, they still hurt.
— You know very well it's the truth. You said the same words. You'd never find yourself in that job; your place is here, being my master's pleasure. — I said without thinking. Eric looked displeased by my words, grabbing my collar and pulling me close, staring at my face so near.
— What are you saying?! You left the department just because of that?! TO BE THAT CRIMINAL'S LOVER?! — It seemed Eric was about to hit me, but he wouldn't. He was overwhelmed with jealousy.
— Yes, that's it... I was raised for this. — My whole life Lord Gran Fort convinced me of that. There was nothing to change, and Eric's words, saying that to me like I was the most despicable creature he had ever seen, only confirmed my role. He pushed me roughly onto the sofa, then walked away with long strides. I heard his footsteps fading, leaving the room as fast as possible so as not to face me again. It was over... over... Tears ran down my face uncontrollably. Any chance I had was ruined.
— Sir... What happened?! Did that man hurt you? — Amélia asked desperately, her eyes falling on my tear-stained face. I shook my head no and stood up, going toward her, resting my head on her shoulder and crying, hugging her tightly.
— I... lost everything, Amélia... The person I loved probably thinks I'm dirty and despicable. A mere plaything. I lost him forever. — The girl didn't say anything, just gently stroked my hair. I ended up drowning my sorrows on poor Amélia, who had nothing to do with it. I took advantage of her kindness and sweetness.
— Everything will be fine, sir. — She said finally, wiping my eyes with a handkerchief. She looked like a child, but this time I didn't feel bothered. I felt a little better with her company.
— I'm locked in this house forever, Amélia. Nothing will be fine. — It was true. I couldn't do anything else, and lamenting would only make things worse. All that was left was to obey. I left her there and went back to my room, feeling neither hunger nor sleep, just staring out the window until dusk. The door soon opened behind me. William came toward me with a sly smile and touched my face, seeing my red eyes.
— Why did you cry, Nathan? — His face became serious, seemingly genuinely concerned about his precious possession. Did I really want to cling to that? — I thought you had freed yourself from life outside.
— It's only been three days. How could I just do that? — I said as if it were some kind of excuse. My eyes met his. His expression softened.
— You're right, soon the only thing you'll need to think about is me. — His lips met mine with passion. Once again, I surrendered to desire, this time to forget any trace of Félix. I acted with more fervor; my desire became more marked in his body as I moved with him. I closed my eyes and couldn't help but think of the other. Tears fell amid the intoxicating pleasure he gave me. It was like a farewell wrapped in moans and longing. It suited me perfectly.
I slept in the arms of that man, wishing for another I would never have again. I closed my eyes and let myself be lulled to sleep, with no more nightmares. I woke to the sound of William leaving the bed, sitting up and rubbing my eyes childishly.
— You can sleep a little longer. I'll only be back at dusk. — He said gently, putting on his robe to go to the bath.
— Can I go out? To the city? — My intentions were just to stroll, and I didn't feel like a prisoner. It wasn't as if I could escape this situation anyway.
— No. If you want something, ask one of the servants. You won't leave this property unless accompanied by me. — His voice was firm now. He turned to me seriously. — This is your place, and even if you want to leave, I won't allow it without me. Even if I have to put chains on your legs.
He looked at me for a few more moments, and when he saw I lowered my gaze in agreement, he left. I had nowhere to go; it wasn't as if I were leaving anyway. I sighed and lay down again. The day passed tediously, perhaps more because of my sadness.
That night Gran Fort would come as usual, and he liked me to wait for him naked in his room. So after dinner, I went to the place, but Amélia stopped me halfway. The girl looked flushed and excited. I wondered how much longer she could endure this situation.
— Sir, please come with me. — She said urgently, but I wasn't at all eager to do anything at that moment.
— You know I have to wait for Lord Gran Fort in the room. — I smiled weakly. My life would follow that routine until William grew tired of it. I didn't doubt his love would end someday. I didn't know if I would ever be worthy of being loved like an ordinary person.
— Please, sir. — She pleaded, holding my hand. I just agreed and followed her toward the kitchen. It was raining outside, a very cold night. At that hour, the huge room was empty. It reminded me of myself running from my mother with a piece of sweet bread, caught in the act — moments of innocence. I touched the counter nostalgically. The girl went to the back door and opened it, letting the cold in. Drops fell on the floor, which would surely enrage my mother. She gave me way, and I took cautious steps forward. There was only darkness and rain. Amélia closed the door behind me and went back inside, leaving me alone.
— I want you to tell me what's really going on, no lies. — The voice came from the side, serious and with a focused gaze. I turned and saw Eric, dressed in his investigator clothes, soaked through, apparently trespassing since he wasn't allowed there at that hour.
— What do you mean... I told you everything. — I said more quietly than I wanted, unable to hold his gaze. I bit my lower lip hard. What was this sudden shift in expectations?
— Amélia came to find me at the department, telling me some important details after our talk, like how you cried over losing the person you loved and that you'd never be able to leave this place again. So tell me what's going on. — Félix seemed eager to hear what I had to say, but now I was scared. I felt desperate. If I told him my reason, I'd want to leave. But...
— ...I'm his lover... For years, I heard things I now see are true. — I trembled saying that. Eric looked at me like he didn't understand what I meant. — My dream was always to be an investigator. Gran Fort said he'd let me leave because he believed I wasn't meant for that vocation; my true role was to give him pleasure. My life would be about that, and I never wanted to accept it... And when you told me I wasn't cut out for being an investigator, I realized it was true. That he was right. — Tears welled up in my eyes. I tried to hold them back; it was just too hard.
— I didn't say that with that intention. — Eric seemed remorseful for what he said earlier. He clearly didn't mean to hurt me, but still, his words opened my eyes.
— It doesn't matter anymore. I can't run from it. Even if I'm in love with you, I don't belong to myself. — My voice was shaky; I found it hard to say that. Eric stepped closer but didn't touch me, just got nearer. I wanted to cry, to breathe in his scent mingled with the night rain. Admitting I was in love seemed so clichéd; at least I wanted him to know.
— Listen to me. I was scared. When you disappeared, I thought the worst had happened. — He said angrily, clenching his fists and tensing every muscle. He seemed a bit embarrassed admitting that. — I was frustrated for letting you slip through my fingers. Leaving you alone was my mistake. When I found you like that, I felt even worse — it was my fault. You'd been exposed to a drug and begged for more with tears in your eyes. Then I said you weren't made for that to protect you, not to make you end up in a prison. But I was wrong because I think you're talented. Despite your rash actions, you were the best partner I ever had, regardless of our feelings or desires. I failed to show my concern through anything but criticism. — It seemed a huge effort for Eric to admit his mistakes like that.
Those words reached me; I was happy to hear them, but they wouldn't solve anything. Eric grabbed my wrist firmly, looking deeply into my eyes.
— Let's get out of here. — Then I remembered William's promise to kill Eric.
— I can't. — I pulled my wrist away. He looked confused. — That day at the party, I was deceived, but by Gran Fort, who drugged me. He promised he'd kill you if I betrayed him. I don't want to risk losing you. I'd rather be locked here forever than let that happen. Just today, he said he'd chain me if I tried to escape. — I moved away again. But Eric grabbed my waist firmly, his brow furrowed, looking determined.
— I know everything this monster said and did has shaken you. But I won't die, and I won't let you stay trapped here. Come with me, now. Don't waste time. You can testify against this man who belongs behind bars, not just for the drugs but for thinking he can imprison someone. — Eric said desperately. He seemed determined to take me no matter what.
— You... aren't disgusted by me? Or think I'm filthy... — I asked uncertainly. After all, I had been touched in so many ways by William.
— Why would I be? Why would I think that? It's the past. You're a handsome boy, Nathan. I don't want you to sacrifice yourself because of it. Everything that happened before doesn't matter. — When he said my name, it made me soften in his arms. Eric kissed me with passion and longing; our lips met as they always should have. All that was left for me was to surrender completely.