It was almost curfew by the time the rain finally weakened enough that Wei Wuxian could fly back to the Cloud Recesses.
Just before he left the Mu estate, Jiang Yanli sent another letter, announcing that her and the evacuees had at last arrived in the hunting lodge in Chongyang.
Shao Lihua had rejoined the group as well. She had been able to see the purple sheen of the great barrier array from the direction of Lotus Pier.
Yunmeng Jiang was still safe.
Of course, the array was merely a defensive measure and not a long-term solution. Eventually resources inside the pier would run out. But considering Jin Zixuan, perhaps it would last just long enough that Wen Chao's fleet could be chased away.
Soaring back home through the night sky and the light drizzle that remained of the storm, Wei Wuxian felt like a huge weight had been lifted off his chest. For the first time since Nie Huaisang had written that first letter, he could take a full breath.
He was eager to get back home now, to see Lan Wangji.
Both Luo Qingyang and Mu Lijuan's advice was whirling around in his mind, and hope was a small flame flickering in his chest.
Thinking back on how he'd behaved these past days, he really couldn't help but be dissatisfied with himself—between shouting accusations, not really letting Lan Wangji get a word in and storming away as soon as he was dissatisfied with the conversation, he'd been pretty intolerable.
He kind of reminded himself of Madam Yu when she fought with her husband. With horror, Wei Wuxian found himself considering whether he, running high on emotions, had inadvertently copied her behavior.
And high on emotions he'd definitely been, that much he couldn't deny. Wei Wuxian liked to think he was a pretty rational person, but when it came to Lotus Pier, he was having a hard time separating reason from want.
He admired how warmly Luo Qingyang had spoken of gratitude.
The word had been tainted in his own head ever since he'd discovered that Jiang Fengmian hadn't taken him in out of the goodness of his heart. And even before it had never just been a good thing to feel but always something to act on, a debt that he needed to repay. He had longed to think about it as easily as Luo Qingyang had spoken of it, he realized now.
No matter what had followed, at least for the good parts of his childhood, he wanted to be grateful.
To no one in particular, really.
Wei Wuxian wondered if his father had ever struggled like this after he had left Lotus Pier.
Upon reaching the Jingshi, he followed a sudden urge—instead of entering the house immediately, he walked past it into the backyard and went to kneel before his parents' shrine.
As he lit incense, his eyes lingered on his father's name.
Did you ever worry about who you'd left behind? Lotus Pier is being attacked and I don't know what to do, he told him, futilely trying to imagine Wei Changze's face, what his voice had sounded like, whether he would have been more likely to scold him or be understanding.
In the end no person came to mind though, and the only thing Wei Wuxian could do was silently admit, I wish you were here, baba.
He didn't quite know how long he sat there, just watching over his parents' tablets and not minding the rain.
At last, his silent vigil was interrupted by the sound of a door opening.
Soft footsteps came closer, first pattering over wood, then over wet grass and earth, clearing the distance to where he was kneeling.
The rain stopped hitting Wei Wuxian's shoulder as he was enveloped by an umbrella's shadow.
"The rain hardly gets me here, Lan Zhan. I'm mostly shielded by the roof."
"Hm."
Wei Wuxian couldn't help smiling.
He quickly grew solemn again though.
"Lotus Pier's barrier array has been activated," he said, not averting his eyes from his father's name. "Shijie's group has arrived safely in Chongyang. And apparently Jin Zixuan of all people is leading disciples towards Yunmeng. I don't know yet if Jiang Cheng has made it back home safely since he can't contact me, but I can only hope..."
Lan Wangji was quiet.
Wei Wuxian sighed. "I still don't think that not helping is the right thing to do, but... I'm sorry for how I've been behaving lately, Lan Zhan. I shouldn't have shouted, and I shouldn't have gone silent either. I didn't want to hear you disagree with me, so I avoided talking altogether. I'm sorry."
"It is a difficult situation," Lan Wangji carefully replied.
"Making excuses for me, huh. I'm trying to apologize here," Wei Wuxian laughed weakly. "Just say you still love your Wei Ying, even if you have to accept that he is difficult and immature sometimes, but that you, as always, gracefully forgive everything. Even though you have every right to be upset."
"I am not upset."
"Yeah, sure. No need to pretend," Wei Wuxian mumbled, picking at a thread on his clothes.
For a moment, Lan Wangji fell silent again.
Then, sounding reluctant, he said, "I can bear being ignored or shouted at, if it means you aren't leaving."
At this Wei Wuxian could not help but look up.
Lan Wangji's expression was painfully honest.
Heart hurting, Wei Wuxian admitted, "I just... even if we disagree, I want to talk to you. Hurling around accusations solves nothing."
"We can talk inside," Lan Wangji suggested, evidently still on his quest to get Wei Wuxian out of the weather.
Suffused by abrupt and overwhelming affection, Wei Wuxian suddenly wanted nothing more than to get closer. Relieved to find his mind, body and heart all unanimously in favor, he suggested, "Maybe... if I get a kiss first?"
It didn't come out quite as confidently as intended, but he supposed what mattered was that he'd put the option forward at all.
As if unsure he'd heard right, Lan Wangji spent a long moment just blinking down at him.
Then, ever so slowly, he reached out and carefully stroked two fingers across Wei Wuxian's cheek.
Only as Wei Wuxian encouragingly nuzzled into the touch did Lan Wangji lean down.
Wei Wuxian's mind grew quiet at the first touch of lips, everything fading away that wasn't the warmth of Lan Wangji's soft mouth.
It took only a brief moment of reacquaintance for Lan Wangji to turn what started out as a sweet kiss into one that was demanding and urgent. Their tongues met without any delicacy or pretense, as though he needed to have a taste right this instant or he would die.
Pleased, Wei Wuxian allowed his mouth to be devoured, crossing his arms behind Lan Wangji's neck to get him closer. Lan Wangji solved the problem entirely by snaking his arm around his upper body and easily lifting him to his feet.
They melted together immediately, and Wei Wuxian would have gladly let their heated kisses turn into heated touch and then preferably the removal of his wet clothes, but Lan Wangji didn't play along.
He parted their lips quite abruptly and pressed the back of his hand against Wei Wuxian's chest, then his shoulder and his arm.
"You are wet through."
"Yeah. I flew home through the rain," Wei Wuxian agreed.
He was rewarded with a deeply dissatisfied huff and without further distractions pulled inside the Jingshi.
Lan Wangji only briefly stopped to shake out the umbrella and place it beside the door, before he steered Wei Wuxian into the middle of the room and began to remove his clothes.
"Aiya, Lan Zhan! This isn't sexy at all!" Wei Wuxian whined but was uniformly ignored.
He squirmed as his sleeves resisted Lan Wangji's efforts, sticking to his wet skin uncomfortably on their way off his body.
"You need to take a bath," Lan Wangji decided, kneeling to remove shoes and socks.
Wei Wuxian pouted. "I thought we would talk?"
"After."
"How about dinner first? I can just eat naked! It's still summer, it'll be fine!" Wei Wuxian suggested, grabbing Lan Wangji's shoulders for balance as his pants were peeled off his legs.
"Shh. You will be cold with wet skin. Bath first."
Despite the fact that he was being bossed around, Wei Wuxian couldn't even pretend to be annoyed. Lovingly he watched Lan Wangji meticulously fold his wet clothes, as though the servants on laundry duty would care. Feeling quite comfortable now that his skin was exposed to the warm air, he demandingly held out his arms. "I'll only take a bath if Lan Zhan carries me there."
Lan Wangji froze where he had just closed the laundry basket.
He searched Wei Wuxian's face, the same uncertainty from before flickering in his eyes. As soon as he realized Wei Wuxian was entirely serious, he moved so fast that Wei Wuxian hardly knew what was happening before he'd already been scooped up by strong arms.
He exclaimed in surprise, then immediately broke out into peeling laughter. "Lan Zhan! I'll start to think you have nefarious intentions!" Leaning close to hug Lan Wangji's neck he added, "Are you kidnapping me? Trying to feel me up now that you've gotten me out of my clothes? Or could it be that Lan-er-gege simply missed carrying little old me?"
"Mn," Lan Wangji agreed to nothing in particular.
Giggling, Wei Wuxian busied himself with peppering kisses all over his neck on the way to the bathroom.
After being carefully settled into hot bathwater, he was treated to an indulgent amount of assistance—Lan Wangji couldn't seem to stop touching him and didn't allow him to wash either his hair or his body himself. Only once Wei Wuxian was squeaky clean and his hair had been brushed to perfection did Lan Wangji let go of him to get him clothes.
Waiting for him to return, Wei Wuxian felt as though he should be glowing from how warm he was feeling. It seemed Lan Wangji was determined to make up for the days he hadn't been able to spoil him. A slight twinge of guilt followed—here he was, getting pampered, when he had intended to apologize.
As Lan Wangji came back in and diligently started dressing him, Wei Wuxian decided to get to it.
"You know, I've been thinking a lot about what you said," he started, suddenly a little nervous.
Busy tying his undershirt, Lan Wangji made a questioning noise.
"You said I'm no longer duty-bound to sacrifice my safety for the Jiang family."
Lan Wangji's hands halted. He looked up.
"Most days I don't really know how to feel myself," Wei Wuxian admitted, calmed by the warmth in his eyes. "To be honest, I've been avoiding thinking about my time in Lotus Pier, the parts that weren't so fun, I mean. I thought, I'm not there anymore anyways, and I'll never go back there, so why dwell on it. You know?"
Lan Wangji hummed. Gently, he started gathering his hair for him.
Wei Wuxian closed his eyes, shivering slightly as diligent fingers ran over his scalp.
Lan Wangji bound his hair low behind his back.
"I guess... it's not actually that easy. I will always be the Wei Wuxian who grew up there."
A kiss was pressed to his nose, making Wei Wuxian smile.
"You know, Lan Zhan, I don't think you were completely wrong with what you said," he admitted quietly. "But you weren't completely right either. Jiang Cheng and shijie... I truly love them both. Above all, I just want them to be safe."
"Mn." Lan Wangji nodded, smoothing out his collar.
"But still... you know, when I heard that Jin Zixuan was on his way to Lotus Pier... for a moment I didn't know what I was feeling. It was like I was upset," Wei Wuxian admitted, grabbing Lan Wangji's hand so it wouldn't leave.
Lan Wangji stroked the pad of his thumb over his knuckles. "Why were you upset?"
"I'm... not really sure."
With a frown, Wei Wuxian turned over Lan Wangji's hand and traced the secret lines on his palm.
"But shouldn't I have simply been relieved? Maybe... a part of me felt like it should have been me." Wei Wuxian smiled wryly. "I guess you were right after all, Lan Zhan. I was appeasing my personal feelings. Like Lan-shushu said, I was being arrogant."
Lan Wangji frowned.
"What, isn't that the truth?"
"You are not arrogant. You are afraid of not doing enough."
As Wei Wuxian averted his eyes, Lan Wangji tipped his face back up by the chin.
"That is the truth. I could see your frustration. I can see it now. You are angry with yourself for not acting, but it is a decision others forced on you. Do not lay blame at your feet."
"But... but before, you said I was being unreasonable?"
Lan Wangji's eyebrows furrowed slightly. "It is I who was being unreasonable."
Carefully, he pushed a strand of loose hair behind Wei Wuxian's ear.
"I sought to talk you into apathy while you feared for people you love. It was never easy for me to comprehend your relationship with your old sect, how easily you seem to forgive past slights. That you still wish to risk your life for them—I do not like it. But it is not my place to judge. I, too, must apologize."
Wei Wuxian's heart leapt against his ribcage, close to bursting.
Despite everything he found himself smiling. "You have such a way with words, Lan Zhan. Every time you open your mouth, I swoon. If the world knew everyone would be done for."
A fond breath escaped Lan Wangji.
"I'm serious!" Wei Wuxian insisted, cupping his face in both hands.
His smile widened when Lan Wangji immediately leaned into the touch, clearly unable to help himself.
"You are so good. Even when I was shouting at you, you didn't lose your temper with me. Lan Zhan, those things I said, about you getting tired of me, about you blaming me and thinking I'm a liability, you know I don't really think that, right?"
Lan Wangji stilled.
His eyes had widened ever so slightly.
"It's just..." Wei Wuxian pulled him close, whispering in his ear. "I really think those are things that maybe I'm a tiny bit scared of. It's like I tell myself... just try throwing it out there! Let's see how Lan Zhan will react. You know? It's really like I'm testing you. I wanted to hear you deny those things so I could feel better about everything again."
Lan Wangji's arms tightened around his waist.
Wei Wuxian pressed a kiss to his shoulder. "It's not fair to you. Unless I mean something with my whole heart, I shouldn't say it, especially not just to hear a denial. I don't want you to be sad, and I can't stand that I hurt you on purpose. I hate it, I really do. I'll be better. I really will be, Lan Zhan. Okay? I promise, I really will be, so don't be sad anymore."
"Wei Ying," Lan Wangji intercepted his rambling softly. "I understand."
Grabbing him be the shoulders and leaning back Wei Wuxian exclaimed, "But I don't want you to have to understand! I want to be better for you. I want to be the best for you!"
Before he could go on, Lan Wangji pressed their lips together, expertly shutting him up.
As they parted, Wei Wuxian felt himself pouting.
Lan Wangji lightly touched a finger to his lower lip. "I like you just as you are."
"Well, that's easily solved! You can simply still like me after I've gotten better!" Wei Wuxian insisted. "Just wait, next time we argue we'll just talk things out, I'll shut up and listen to you calmly and when it's my turn I'll tell you what I think too—I won't lose my shit again."
"Mn," Lan Wangji agreed. "But if you do lose it I will still like you."
"Lan Zhan! You need to be stricter with me!"
"I cannot."
Wei Wuxian huffed.
A smile twinkled in Lan Wangji's eyes. "I am not perfect, Wei Ying. You also do not have to be."
" You , not perfect?" Grumbling, Wei Wuxian let his head fall onto Lan Wangji's shoulder. "What is this slander?"
Nosing against his hair, Lan Wangji began stroking his back.
For a moment, they just stood together in silence.
Their reflections stood beside them inside the bathroom mirror, the white of their clothes making it impossible to tell where one ended and the other began.
Over there, the world looked perfect.
"Why can't this stupid conflict just resolve itself?" Wei Wuxian mumbled, frowning at his own tired face. "What the hell is Wen Ruohan thinking? To see death and destruction as a reasonable means to an end... is that really how he wants to build his empire, on bones and blood and ashes? I just can't understand it."
Mirror Lan Wangji's brow furrowed in serious thought.
"Stop that," Wei Wuxian laughed.
"...What?"
Leaning back, Wei Wuxian touched his finger to the line between Lan Wangji's stern eyebrows. "That. I can see you trying to fix the world for me."
Lan Wangji blinked.
Incredibly fond, Wei Wuxian cupped his cheek. "You were right. There is no perfect solution. I can cry and shout and feel sorry for myself all I want, but at the end of the day I will have achieved nothing. So much is beyond our control."
Seeming dissatisfied, Lan Wangji took both his hands in his. "Yet there still is control. You were right as well."
Wei Wuxian frowned in confusion.
"What you said to shufu, that Jiang-zongzhu's mistakes should not condemn his entire sect. I did not want to see it. It was easy not to," Lan Wangji clarified. "But Gusu Lan has options. Some effort could be made to aid the innocent."
Eyes widening, Wei Wuxian stared at him.
Lan Wangji looked back at him steadily, his eyes burning with determination.
"Should you speak with shufu again, about dispatching aid for Yunmeng Jiang, I would support you."
Utterly captivated by his stead-fast gaze, Wei Wuxian could not help blinking in awe.
Then he smiled.
Maybe this side of the mirror wasn't so bad either.
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