To say I was excited would be an understatement.
We were heading to Port Ormos. A den of merchants, scammers, shady scholars, and possibly three people who accidentally became pirates because they followed the wrong tour group. And here I was—ready to unleash my full gremlin energy upon the unsuspecting citizens of Sumeru's biggest port.
Port Ormos, baby. The land of spices, spice, and highly suspicious behavior.
Lumine was taking the lead, serious as ever. Paimon floated nearby, muttering about maps and snacks. Me? I was already planning which rooftop to dramatically jump off for no reason other than dramatic effect.
"Hey," I grinned, nudging Lumine. "You think if I walk around shirtless and shout 'I'm a student of the Akademiya!' they'll let me in secret meetings?"
"No."
"Is that a no because it won't work or a no because I'll get arrested?"
"Yes."
"Perfect."
Paimon groaned beside us. "Are we there yet?"
"No," Lumine answered flatly.
"Does it look like we're there yet?" I added. "If we were, you'd see scammers trying to sell you miracle hair elixirs and someone shouting 'Fifty percent off if you don't ask what it is!'"
Paimon puffed up. "Well excuse Paimon for asking the logical question when we've been walking for an eternity!"
"It's been ten minutes," Lumine muttered.
"Ten minutes in this heat is like three business days in hell!" I said, dramatically wiping fake sweat off my forehead. "Look at me, I'm practically a roast chicken with extra sarcasm."
We kept walking. Or rather, Lumine walked like a determined protagonist on a serious mission, Paimon hovered like a confused travel agent, and I strutted like a man whose brain had long since melted in the sun.
"Did I ever tell you," I began, "about the Akademiya scribe who discovered that carrying books was actually a form of exercise that defied all known science?"
"No," Lumine said without looking at me.
"Well, his name was Probably-Made-Up, and he believed the heavier the tome, the more you could flex both intellect and biceps. Scholars Admired him and he challenged one to a book-lifting duel and accidentally invented academia-based martial arts."
Paimon stared. "...What are you even talking about?"
"History, Paimon. I'm educating the masses."
"Pretty sure you're giving people brain damage."
"No no, that comes later. After the part where I will accidentally join a smuggling ring because I thought it was a cooking class."
We finally arrived at Port Ormos—well, more like we stumbled into it after narrowly avoiding a tiger-looking creature that may or may not have tried to eat me. The locals said it was harmless. I said, "Then why did it look at me like I'm a walking kebab?!"
But we made it.
Port Ormos.
It smelled like dreams, disappointment, overripe dates, and unregulated business practices. Also, cumin. A lot of cumin.
I breathed it all in like a man who had just found his natural habitat.
"Ahhh," I said, spinning dramatically with my arms wide. "Smells like tax evasion and adventure!"
"Can you please behave for five minutes?" Lumine asked, already looking like she regretted letting me tag along.
"No promises."
Port Ormos was bustling. Stalls lined every visible path, merchants shouting deals with voices that could crack stone. Kids darted between legs, occasionally snatching something that may or may not have belonged to them. Somewhere in the distance, a camel sneezed. Majestically.
"I want a camel," I said.
"You can't take a camel on a boat," Lumine replied instantly.
"Then the boat's the problem. I say we reinvent transportation. Camel cruise ships!"
"I'm not entertaining this," she muttered.
Paimon pointed ahead. "Hey, look! That stall's selling spices!"
I squinted. "Spices or... 'spices'? You know, like the ones that double as sleep medicine or make you think your furniture's judging you."
"It says it's '100% legal!'" Paimon beamed.
"Which means it's definitely not," I whispered.
Still, we wandered closer. A merchant with a mustache that looked like it had its own personality waved us over.
"Welcome, travelers! Care to sample the finest blends in all of Teyvat?"
Before Lumine could say anything, I was already poking at jars.
"What's this one?" I asked.
"Cinnamon."
"And this?"
"Cinnamon... extra."
"And this one's moving."
"Cursed cinnamon," he whispered.
I nodded sagely. "I'll take three."
Lumine grabbed my collar before I could throw mora at the man. "No cursed food. We've talked about this."
"Let me have one haunted pantry!""NO."We continued down the winding alleys, weaving through crowds and dodging suspicious perfume spritzers.
"Paimon, duck!" I shouted as a woman aimed a bottle of 'Eau de Regret' at her.
"AHH! PAIMON'S EYES!"
"It burns because it's effective!" the vendor shouted.
I took a whiff. "...I think I time-traveled for a second."
Eventually, we made our way to a quieter part of the port.
Lumine sighed. "Let's regroup. We're supposed to ask around about that stolen item from the Akademiya."
Right. The plot.
I cleared my throat. "Operation: Pretend To Be Smart Students is a go."
"You're not pretending. You're failing," Lumine said.
"Failing with style."
"You're going to get us arrested."
"Yeah, but like... funny arrested."
"Arrested is still arrested!"
"Unless I seduce the guards."
"NO."
Thus began our very subtle investigation into the underbelly of Port Ormos.
I immediately walked up to a guy selling rugs and asked, "Hey bro, you know where I can find illegal knowledge?"
He stared at me.
Lumine yanked me back before we got stabbed with a rolled carpet.
But it's fine. We'll crack this case wide open.
We just have to survive Port Ormos first.
And maybe not burn down a market in the process.
...Maybe.
So there we were, still alive somehow, still banned from cursed cinnamon, and still very much not doing anything productive yet.
Paimon floated ahead, looking around with squinty little eyes like a baby owl sniffing out drama. "Wow, talk about hurly-burly," she said. "This place is busy! Guess that's only to be expected for the largest port in Sumeru."
I nodded sagely, hands behind my back like a wise philosopher who once fell into a spice barrel and never recovered. "Yes, truly a magnificent sight. Chaos, capitalism, and cumin. Nature is healing."
Paimon continued, now looking a bit too suspicious for someone shaped like a marshmallow. "Uh, maybe it's because of what Dehya told us earlier, but Paimon can't shake the feeling that there's danger lurking in these crowds."
"Oh nooo," I gasped theatrically. "The marshmallow has developed street smarts. Next she'll start pickpocketing people with her stubby hands."
"Paimon does NOT have stubby hands!" she screeched.
Lumine let out the world's most exhausted sigh. "Can we just focus?"
"Focus? I am always focused," I said proudly. "Focused on nonsense, chaos, and emotionally scarring Paimon."
"Successful on all three," Lumine muttered.
Paimon rubbed her temples. "Let's just get our bearings so we can start looking for leads. We know that whatever the Akademiya lost is related to the gods... but other than that, we don't have much else to go on."
"Exactly," I nodded. "Which means it's time for... Improvisation."
"Oh no," Paimon said.
"Oh yes."
Paimon turned serious for a moment—which was deeply unsettling. "Hmm... Asfand told us to try posing as Akademiya students while asking around."
I saluted. "Don't worry. I have the perfect Akademiya student impression."
I cleared my throat, puffed out my chest, and with my best scholarly voice said, "Ah yes, the metaphysical implications of Electro Archon-induced dream states upon historical memory... as documented by the guy I just made up."
Paimon blinked. "That was just word soup."
"Gourmet soup," I replied.
She shook her head. "Paimon checked the Akasha on the way here, and the Akademiya doesn't seem to have any research facilities in Port Ormos."
"Oh really?" I raised an eyebrow. "Then what's that shady building with twenty scrolls taped to the windows that says 'Definitely Not Suspicious' in glowing neon?"
"Probably a nightclub."
"...I'm going there later."
Paimon ignored me and kept floating. "Paimon doesn't get it... Won't we look even more suspicious going around saying we're Akademiya students AND asking about the stolen item?"
Lumine finally stepped in. "Figuring that out could be crucial for the rest of our investigation here."
"Yeah," she added with a tiny smirk. "That is, if you can stop pretending to be a one-man circus."
I pointed at her. "See? That's why you're the leader. I provide the unnecessary commentary, and she pretends to be our chaperone."
"Paimon is not a chaperone!"
"You are now," I said. "Please control your two unruly students. One keeps trying to lick cursed cinnamon. The other keeps flirting with guards."
Lumine sighed again, massaging her temples. "Let's just check out the market. Try not to draw attention."
"I make no promises," I replied. "Except the promise to make things worse."
"Wonderful," Lumine deadpanned.
And so began the second-most chaotic part of our day. (The first was still the haunted cinnamon.)
We spread out through the market like a poorly organized flash mob. Lumine asked calm, calculated questions. Paimon tried not to panic every time someone looked at her funny. And me? I was gathering intel the only way I knew how.
"Hey man," I asked a vendor. "If I were hypothetically looking for illegal relics related to gods, where would I go?"
He blinked. "...Are you a cop?"
"Absolutely not. I'm worse. I'm a writer."
He walked away.
Two stalls later, I pretended to be lost.
"Excuse me, kind merchant," I said, "I'm a humble student looking for esoteric knowledge that may or may not be totally legal. Also, do you sell grilled squid?"
Another merchant said, "You're either incredibly brave or incredibly stupid."
"I get that a lot."
Meanwhile, Lumine actually got people to talk. She returned to us with solid intel while I returned with a headscarf, three skewers of meat, and someone else's pet lizard.
"Where did you even get that?" Lumine asked.
"He followed me. I named him Greg."
"No pets."
"But Greg's part of the team now! He knows things."
Greg blinked slowly.
"Greg has seen things," I whispered.
Lumine blinked at Greg. "...You're not kidding, are you?"
Greg hissed.
"See?" I grinned. "He's got opinions."
Eventually, Paimon brought us over to a fruit stall.
"Okay, so apparently there's a merchant who deals with ancient relics near the docks. But he's shady. Like, really shady."
I gasped. "More shady than cursed cinnamon guy?"
"Yes."
"I must meet him."
"No doing anything stupid," Lumine warned.
I grinned. "Define 'stupid.'"
"If you ask him if his relics can summon eldritch beings again, I swear—"
"Okay okay! No eldritch jokes! Probably."
Lumine gave me a side glance, but I could see the faintest twitch of a smile.
As we prepared to head toward the docks, I took one last dramatic look at the market.
Ah, Port Ormos. You glorious, chaotic jungle of deals, scams, and illegal spices.
The game was afoot.
And I was about to step in it face-first.
And Greg? Greg was coming with us.
***
We were walking again. Which is normal. Except this time, I had a lizard perched on my head like a judgmental, scaly crown.
"Okay but hear me out," I said, arms dramatically waving while Greg the Lizard did not budge an inch. "Greg is clearly a tactical asset. He's stealthy, silent, and always has this look like he's about to expose government secrets."
Lumine glanced up at my head, unimpressed. "He hasn't moved in ten minutes. He might be asleep."
"Or meditating," I argued. "He's in deep thought. You can't rush genius."
Paimon hovered ahead, eye twitching. "Paimon swears, if that lizard lays eggs on your head, you're sleeping outside the teapot."
"Joke's on you," I declared. "I will sleep on the roof."
Greg flicked his tongue. Absolute approval.
The streets of Port Ormos bustled with merchants yelling about discounts, spices that may or may not be legal, and one guy who swore he could turn cabbage into Dendro Slimes. The whole city smelled like sweat, seafood, and a tiny sprinkle of federal crime.
"So how do we actually plan on finding leads again?" I asked, tilting my head just enough to make Greg reposition himself like he was claiming territory. "I mean, sure, I'm all for asking around, but so far we've gotten one creepy merchant, two broken compasses, and a fish that insulted my haircut."
Lumine exhaled, long-suffering. "We keep listening. Someone has to slip up eventually."
"Or," I said with a grin, "we accelerate the process."
Paimon crossed her arms. "How?"
I pointed ahead.
Two students stood by a fountain, arguing passionately over something scholarly and very loud. Words like "control group" and "Divine Resonance Phenomena" were flying around. Which could only mean one thing.
Nerds.
My grin widened.
Lumine saw the expression and immediately groaned. "No."
"Yes."
"Nope. Not again."
"Lumine," I said, placing a hand on my heart, "it is my duty, my sacred calling, to ruin someone's graduation project."
Greg nodded solemnly.
And that, dear friends, is when the chaos began.
___________________________________
End of Chapter 88
Quests:
*Enter Port Ormos and begin investigation on the stolen item.
*Avoid getting eaten by jungle wildlife.
*Gather information about stolen divine relics.
*Identify Akademiya students with loose lips.
*Do not let Greg become local wildlife king. (Too late.)
Quest Failed:
*Don't blow your cover pretending to be smart.
*Be responsible adults (Failed Miserably. Specially me.)
Rewards:
*+1 Suspicious Merchant Lead
*+1 Tiger Bite Near Miss (Scarring: Emotional, not Physical)
*+3 Meat Skewers
*+1 Suspicious Relic Merchant Location (Near the docks)
*+1 Potential Nerd-Based Infiltration Plan
*+1 Slight Headache (Lumine only)
One New Companion: Greg the Tactical Lizard
Greg: Pet Status: Permanent Team Member
Achievements:
"The Scholar of Bullshit"
– Deliver a fake academic speech that sounds legit enough to scare Paimon.
"Academic Saboteur"
– Spot an opportunity to absolutely wreck someone's carefully constructed research.