Chapter 34: Feeling Regretful
Just then, Mr Aunt walked into the class. I felt really disappointed because he wasn't using the scarf I had painstakingly knitted for a whole month. She probably threw it in the trash. But instead, he was using the gift from Duyen. I felt a pang of sadness, but it was fine. Things that were never meant to be mine would never belong to me. "Beautiful Butt" wasn't mine, and neither was Mr Aunt. Even if I regretted it, that was all there was to it. Towards Mr Aunt, I wasn't overly enthusiastic, nor was I cold. I simply faced him as a student would with a teacher.
Springtime.
I gazed absentmindedly out of the classroom window. The chilly and damp air of spring, along with a bit of weak sunlight, made everything seem fresh and new. We had just finished our Tet holiday and were sluggishly stepping into a new semester. Tet was always the same—I always felt like I gained a bit of weight, and my face looked rounder, fuller. Maybe it even made me look a little cuter. Girls should be a little plump, with some flesh on their bones to look lively and beautiful.
I spun my pen around while waiting for class to start. Mr Aunt's lesson was coming up. Honestly, it wasn't necessary to possess someone. As long as I understood who I was, recognized my place, and was content with it, I could silently admire them from afar, finding a quiet joy without asking for anything in return. In truth, one-sided love wasn't so bad.
After a while, the lecturer walked into the classroom—but it wasn't Mr Aunt. That stirred up a storm of emotions in me. I couldn't concentrate at all during the lesson. What on earth had happened? Had Mr Aunt gotten caught up in another scandal?
During the break, I couldn't hold back anymore and asked Duyen:
"Did something happen to Mr Aunt?"
Duyen looked at me silently, her eyes filled with deep sadness.
"Yeah… His father passed away… Do you want to come to the funeral with me?"
I was stunned. Mr Aunt was facing something so devastating, while I had been busy overthinking, making random assumptions, feeling resentful, feeling wronged.
I nodded.
"Let's go right after class."
After school, Duyen and I got into a Camry that she had someone bring over. Duyen drove while I sat beside her. Despite knowing Duyen for so long, I only recently found out that her family was extremely wealthy. In the dorms, she lived simply and was always kind to everyone, so no one ever suspected her background. Maybe she chose to stay in the dorms to prove to Mr Aunt that if others could endure hardships, so could she.
Duyen truly loved Mr Aunt. She did everything just to prove that love. She knew so many private details because the school principal was a friend of her parents.
Mr Aunt's house was in Hung Yen. There was a stretch of road under construction that was too muddy for cars, so we had to walk the rest of the way. But Duyen didn't mind at all. Mr Aunt's family was considered well-off, yet he still worked tirelessly like a machine—perhaps because his father had been sick.
Listening to Duyen, I finally understood. Mr Aunt's father had suffered from kidney failure and had been on dialysis for many years. Mr Aunt had worked relentlessly to cover the medical costs and save up for a kidney transplant for his father. But before the surgery could happen, his father had passed away. Mr Aunt must have been in unbearable pain.
I looked at Mr Aunt now, his sorrow deeply etched on his face. His grief made him seem more mature, more responsible. He stood by the altar in mourning attire, wiping his eyes occasionally. His eyes were red and swollen. For some reason, I had an overwhelming urge to walk up and embrace him.
I deeply regretted all the times I had silently cursed him for being cold-hearted. I regretted not being there to support him, to share his burdens. I had been so preoccupied with my own feelings, never willing to put myself at a disadvantage.
From that moment, I made a promise to myself—I would live differently. I would be like Duyen, setting aside my pride. I would express my feelings, no matter if they were reciprocated or not.
That afternoon, I wandered around the schoolyard, unwilling to return to the dormitory. This sense of idleness, this peace—it only made me feel even more melancholic. It was still the same loneliness, the same emptiness as always. I still had nothing in my hands. Suddenly, I felt someone nearby.
Lifting my head, I saw Mr Aunt walking in the opposite direction. He didn't look at me, just silently passed by. My heartbeat grew erratic once more, and in that fleeting moment when he walked past me, I felt as if I were about to break apart from the pain. What did I do wrong to be treated like this? I only wanted to get close, to understand, to sympathize. I never demanded that he take responsibility for me or love me. So why had he built such an unbreakable wall between us?