Chapter 1: "Please Don't Offer Me Your Soul Before Lunch"
Look, if you've lived on Earth long enough to dodge falling satellites, bad cafeteria lunches, or your average Tuesday monster invasion, you've probably heard of The Immortal Sage.
No? Well, let me catch you up before something with claws and a superiority complex shows up again.
Somewhere between dinosaurs going extinct and social media becoming a monster of its own, a being appeared. Not just a being. The being. The Immortal Sage. Think of him as the lovechild of a Greek immortal, a kaiju slayer, and your local yoga instructor. Huge muscles, glowing eyes, the kind of beard that deserved its own postal code, and an aura so peaceful you'd think he was about to teach kindergarten—right until he ate a monster the size of a cruise ship without chewing.
Yeah. That guy.
The humans? They call him a savior. A messiah. The guy who probably invented protein shakes. They think he's some kind of guardian angel who personally bench-pressed civilization into existence. Apparently, the Sage walked among ancient humans, taught them chakra, gave them fire, and once suplexed a volcano for erupting on a weekend. Legends say he's responsible for creating the first of the "new humans"—people who could punch monsters so hard they turned into philosophical questions.
The monsters, meanwhile? Let's just say the Sage is the reason most of them don't sleep at night. Ever since that little "incident" where he roasted a galaxy-sized space bug like it was marshmallow on a campfire, they've kept their evil lairs underground, underwater, or, ideally, off-planet.
And it wasn't just what he could do. It was the way he looked at you. That gentle smile. That warm gaze. Like he was deciding whether to pet you or puree you. You never really knew.
But here's the kicker.
No one knows where he is now. Some say he turned into a mountain. Others say he's meditating at the edge of the universe. A few very drunk people insist they saw him last week at a ramen shop in Z-City.
And if that ramen shop part sounds ridiculous... well, buckle up.
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The Forest of Whispering Trees (yes, that was its actual name) wasn't exactly a tourist hotspot. Mostly because the trees did whisper—usually things like, "Turn back," or "You smell delicious," which made hiking very awkward.
Right in the middle of this suspiciously cursed forest sat... a farm.
Not a spooky witch's hut. Not a creepy dungeon. A farm. With sunflowers, chickens, and a scarecrow wearing shades. Totally normal.
Well, except for the fact that two monsters were currently crashing through the undergrowth like caffeinated rhinos.
"Dude, I swear I smell human," said the first monster, a nine-foot lizard with curved horns, claws like garden shears, and the vocabulary of a frat bro. "It's fresh. I bet it's farmer stew night."
"Save some for me, gecko-butt," hissed the second monster, a humanoid from the waist up, with long flowing black hair and snake scales from the waist down. "I want the liver."
"Ew," the lizard muttered. "Dude, you always go for the organs."
"I'm classy," the Naga said, flicking his forked tongue.
They burst into a clearing—ready to pounce, drooling like kids outside a bakery—and then they froze.
In front of them stood a man. And by "man," we mean a wall of muscle sculpted by the gods, standing four meters tall, shirtless, and casually tossing hay like it owed him money. His skin glowed golden in the sunlight. His spiky blond hair looked like it had been styled by lightning. His eyes?
Red. Glowing. Unblinking. Eyes that said, "I've seen galaxies die and didn't even flinch."
The monsters hit the ground faster than you could say "digestive regret."
"Sweet sulfur muffins... it's the Sage!" the lizard shrieked, curling up like a toddler caught stealing cookies.
The Naga was already on his knees, whispering what could only be a desperate apology to every celestial being in existence.
Naruto—the Immortal Sage himself—turned.
Slowly.
His shadow stretched over them like doom in slow motion.
He glowered. Not an angry glower. Worse. It was the disappointed dad glower.
The Lizard was sweating so hard he was creating a personal swamp.
The Naga stopped breathing entirely.
'I don't want to be eaten... or worse... used as fertilizer.'
For ten agonizing seconds, the Sage just stared.
Then, with the grace of a mountain lion and the casual air of someone deciding what soup to have, Naruto turned... and picked up a watermelon.
He smiled.
"Y'all want some?" he asked, voice deep enough to make earthquakes jealous.
The Lizard blinked. "...You're not going to eat us?"
The Sage shrugged. "Already had lunch."
The monsters stared.
Was this mercy?
Was this a trap?
Whatever it was, they weren't sticking around to test it.
"Thank you, Lord Sage! You are gracious beyond words!" the Lizard babbled, bowing so low his horns stabbed the dirt.
The Naga nodded like a bobblehead. "Blessings upon your crops and... uh... terrifying muscles."
They slowly, reverently backed away, still bowing.
As they reached the treeline, the Lizard whispered solemnly, "I'm going vegan. I can't do this anymore. If even one cow dies, he might show up."
The Naga blinked. "...The hell did I just witness?"
They vanished into the trees, terrified, changed forever, and very hungry for kale.
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To say Naruto Uzumaki was a terrifying, all-powerful demi was… well, technically accurate.
But don't tell him that.
Because at the moment, the same 4-meter-tall mountain of muscle who could accidentally break trees by sneezing was currently hiding under his bed, hugging a body pillow shaped like a carrot, and shaking like a jelly in an earthquake.
"D-D-Dragon," he stammered. "It had to be. It had horns. And a tail. And—oh God, what if it breathed fire and I just forgot?!"
Spoiler alert: It was not a dragon. Just a very unlucky horned lizard monster with a peanut-sized survival instinct.
Naruto's crimson eyes—terrifying to literally everyone but himself—were wide with panic as he peeked out the window. His entire mountain-sized body was wedged into a wooden cabin clearly built for someone under 6 feet. The house creaked like it was filing a complaint with gravity.
"I can't live like this anymore," he mumbled, flopping down face-first on the floor with a WHUD that caused three birds to fall out of nearby trees. "No friends. No one to talk to. Just me and the lettuce. I—I need a change."
It was true. Naruto, the Immortal Sage feared across galaxies, had been living in total isolation for centuries. When he first arrived, there wasn't a human settlement for miles. Now the nearest city was just 50 kilometers away, and the only reason they hadn't bulldozed his peaceful little paradise was because everyone assumed it was a monster death trap.
Which, to be fair, it kind of was. Just not the kind they thought.
"I'm gonna miss you guys," he sniffled dramatically, kneeling in his cabbage patch like it was a funeral. "You especially, Brutus," he whispered, patting a particularly plump tomato.
Yes, he named his produce.
Don't judge him. You would too if your only friends for the last hundred years were fruits with better personalities than most politicians.
With a heavy heart and a heavier backpack (filled with pickled cucumbers, obviously), Naruto donned his traveling outfit: cracked leather armor, a worn-out white robe with suspicious carrot stains, and a stick he had carved himself to scare off squirrels. He even had a tiny knife strapped to his back—because nothing says "prepared" like arming yourself against a monster apocalypse with a glorified butter blade.
"Alright," he told himself. "Time to find a new home. Preferably somewhere without dragons. Or lizards. Or Naga guys who stare like they're imagining you with seasoning."
And so, the giant coward set off on a quest—a quest with no map, no clue, and a healthy amount of paranoia.
He didn't know where he was going. He didn't even know how to travel.
But the wind was at his back.
His stomach growled.
And somewhere, deep in the cities of man, destiny was preparing itself for a very confused reunion.
The forest grew quiet behind him. Too quiet. Like it knew it had just lost its main character.
Naruto walked slowly, nervously checking behind every bush and jumping at every bird. The trees whispered as usual, but this time they almost sounded... sad?
"Great. Now I'm hallucinating tree guilt," he muttered. "This is why you don't get emotionally attached to spinach."
The sun was starting to dip behind the hills, and the shadows grew long. Naruto tightened his robe around himself like it was a magical armor of anti-scary-stuff.
His footsteps echoed on the grassy path—alone, uncertain, and just a bit squeaky from the old boots.
But he didn't stop.
He had made a choice.
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Naruto Uzumaki, legendary Sage of terrifying muscle mass and accidental public menace, had made it exactly one day into his new life on the road before he hit his first existential crisis.
He was starving.
And not the dramatic "I skipped breakfast" kind of hungry. This was the "I've eaten all my travel food because I was stress-snacking while panicking about trees" level of hunger. To be fair, it was his first time leaving the forest in centuries. Planning ahead was not his specialty. Neither was self-control. Especially not when it came to pickled vegetables.
Now the sun was out in full force, cooking the earth like a giant frying pan, and Naruto felt like someone had dropped him onto it like an overcooked potato.
"I'm hungry," he groaned, his stomach growling with the intensity of a dying dragon. "Like... I'd-eat-my-own-stick kind of hungry."
Then—because the universe loves irony—he heard rustling in the bushes behind him.
And out stepped two very familiar monsters.
"NOPE!" Naruto yelled, grabbing his walking stick like it was a holy sword. "Not today! I told you, I'm retired! Go find someone else to terrify!"
"W-Wait! We're not here to fight!" the Naga squeaked, dropping to his belly with an impressive slither-thump. "Lord Sage, please don't vaporize us. We brought you a gift! A snack! Uh—I mean—a sacrifice! A really... high-quality one!"
The horned lizard monster was shaking, holding up what looked like a bundle wrapped in vines.
A... human bundle?
Naruto squinted.
It was a girl. Blonde. Lightly armored—or maybe just underdressed for battle (someone should really invent pants for monsters). She looked unconscious, maybe even injured, but definitely alive.
Naruto blinked. "Is this—wait, what?"
The Naga nudged the girl forward like she was cursed treasure. "She's one of those rogue monster queens! Super dangerous! We caught her during her nap time! Thought maybe you'd... you know... eat her or something."
Naruto glared at them—full terrifying demonic stare, red eyes glowing like an angry toaster oven.
The monsters instantly face-planted. "SORRY SORRY PLEASE DON'T EAT OUR FACES."
Naruto raised a single eyebrow and said in a low, terrifying voice:
"Leave the sacrifice... and disappear."
They left so fast they left behind a dust cloud that formed the kanji for "nope."
Naruto exhaled the breath he didn't realize he was holding and immediately collapsed onto the grass like a deflated tent.
He rolled the girl onto her back and began untying her.
'Why is she so small?' he thought, blinking at her tiny frame. Her whole body wasn't even half his height. Was she made of noodles?
'Must be a child,' he decided solemnly. 'I mean, she's shorter than a watermelon vine.'
He gently laid her under the shade of a large rock, then plopped down beside her.
His stomach growled again. Loudly. Rudely. Like a heckler at a stand-up show.
"Great," Naruto muttered. "Saved a tiny child, didn't get to eat anything, and still haven't seen a single food cart."
He stared at the sky, trying to will it to rain grilled mushrooms.
No luck.
So he leaned back against the rock, closed his eyes, and said to no one in particular:
"If this kid wakes up and thinks I kidnapped her, I'm going to cry."
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Naruto had expected a lot of things from his first encounter with another human in centuries.
Maybe a friendly conversation. Maybe a nice "thank you" for saving her life. Maybe, just maybe, some help navigating the nearest town and not being confused for a monster overlord.
What he got instead... was a woman trying to dig her own grave out of excitement.
Let's rewind.
The blonde girl had woken up, stared at Naruto like he was the reincarnation of every deity she'd ever heard of, and immediately dropped to her knees in reverent worship.
"AHH! I am so happy. It must be a dream. I have met Uzumaki-sama! Praise be!" she said with sparkling anime eyes and zero regard for sanity.
Naruto blinked. "No, no. This is definitely real and you're definitely confusing me with someone else."
"Uzumaki-sama is one of a kind," she said, as if that was proof of her delusion. "I have dreamed of becoming your food for years!"
"...Okay, hold on. Stop. No. What?"
She stood up, arms wide open like she was offering herself to a buffet table. "Please accept me as your meal!"
Naruto choked on absolutely nothing. "Wha—No! What? I'm vegan!"
She froze. Like a computer short-circuiting.
Then slowly tilted her head, confused. "Am I... not to your taste?"
"It's not about taste! I don't eat people. Or meat. I grow tomatoes."
"I have very soft flesh, Uzumaki-sama. It's my best feature."
"Lady, what is happening right now?!"
To her credit—or maybe her insanity—Super S did not waver. "It is the dream of all worthy monsters to be consumed by the Sage! You are the Master of All Beings, the Destroyer of Creation, the Demonic Overlord of All Existence!"
Naruto's brain: ❌❌❌❌
His actual words: "Wait... destroyer of what now?"
"I read about you in the Monster Codex of Eternal Despair. It says your name alone makes the planet tremble. That your breath can burn time. That you once ate a star and didn't even burp!"
Naruto's expression remained stoic, but inside he was panicking like a possum in a thunderstorm.
'What the heck is wrong with this situation?! I've never even stepped on an ant on purpose. Who the heck is this sage everyone thinks I am? And why do they all want me to eat them?!'
She pulled out a dagger and held it to her neck.
Naruto yelped and grabbed it immediately. "WHOA WHOA WHOA—WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
Super S blinked innocently. "As long as I'm alive, I cannot offer my soul."
"NO ONE IS EATING ANYONE! Also, what do you even mean, soul? What kind of cult handbook did you read?!"
"Worry not," she said, pulling out a spade. "I shall dig a grave and quietly pass."
Naruto stared. "...Where were you keeping that?!"
Eventually, after realizing this girl was very enthusiastic and completely insane, Naruto did the only thing he could think of:
He leaned over... and lightly bit her on the neck.
"THERE," he declared. "I've eaten half your soul. That counts, right? You can leave now."
Her eyes sparkled like disco balls. "I HAVE BEEN EATEN!"
Naruto sighed harder than any mortal ever had.
'What have I done?!'
"Where's your home?" he muttered.
"A city to the east, Uzumaki-sama. Are you... coming with me?"
"Yeah. Get on. I'll get us there faster."
Super S immediately turned crimson and covered her cheeks. "To ride Uzumaki-sama is the honor of my existence!"
Naruto gave up on correcting her logic and lifted her easily, placing her on his shoulder like she weighed less than a melon.
She swooned like a romance novel protagonist. "Since I am part of Uzumaki-sama, our bodies are one. Therefore, this ride is sacred."
"Yeah, whatever," Naruto muttered. "What's your name?"
"I am whatever Uzumaki-sama wishes me to be."
Naruto facepalmed.
Hard.
"Fine. I'm calling you... Konan."
"I shall treasure this divine gift of a name and carry it until the end of time by your side!"
Naruto's internal thoughts: 'Hopefully not.'