What if the rest of her life would feel like this? This complete grey scale existence that she had tried to dress up now for four months, with attending evening art classes with her mom, whipped coffees, online tarot readings, even a double date with Wilma, which hade been a dull and awkward waste of time. None of it changed anything. Thomas wasn't witnessing any of it, wasn't part of any of it, didn't know about any of it. Not once had he called or even texted her. Either he was really that severe about the terms of their deal, or he had completely moved on. The thought was so painful she had to reject it, stash it in the back of her mind until it would reappear again, which it did all the time.
It was nearing Christmas. Arvid was around sometimes, eyeing her suspiciously, coming into her room just to graze his fingertips over the spines of her books and ask in a mutter how she was doing.
"Good."
Liv doubted he believed her but what could he do? Never once did he mention Thomas and never once did Liv ask because that's how afraid she was of the answer. Of course, he had promised to tell her if something serious happened or if he got drastically worse, but he hadn't so far. Days passed in a haze but at night her heart set into motion and wouldn't slow, so sleep was futile. And the embarrassment of it all. The predictability. If only she had had it in her to care more about the shamefulness in her mental decay. It was just enough to keep her grades up, her room clean, her amount of muscle unaltered, a pristine shell, appearing just as she had before.
That's why it came as such a surprise on Christmas morning when Arvid came into her room, grazed the spines of her books with his fingers and then turned to her with a no-nonsense expression.
"Tommy's stopping by for a while today."
After the initial sensation of falling to her death, desperate plans for escape routes started to form in her head.
"Cool, I might stop by Wilma's then."
"Nah-ah, Livvy. Not on Christmas Eve. It's fine, I get it, you can stay in your room if you don't want to see him, he'll understand."
As if he had a right to understand.
"Sure."
"You know... I never asked him or you what happened that time. And I'll be honest, I didn't hate that it seemed to be kind of over between you but... At some point you should talk to him, even just for closure or whatever, because you're obviously not happy."
"I'm happy", she mumbled, overwhelmed by just the thought of having a conversation with Thomas.
"Sure you are."
"What?! I keep my shit together, I do my homework, I go to school and practice, what more do you want from me?", she snapped.
"Wow, fucking-gold medal for you. I don't care. I haven't heard you laugh in months, that's what's concerning. Mom's worried too."
"You're lying."
"No. She asked me the other day if I think you should be in therapy."
That hurt a little, that they had been discussing her health behind her back, despite her trying as hard as she could not to rouse concern.
"I'm good, I'm not unhappy, I don't know what you want me to say."
"I don't want you to say anything, Livs, it's not about you performing. Besides, it's better he doesn't see you today, he'd flip out as soon as he laid eyes on you."
Now it felt like he was just taunting her.
"Wrong because first of all, there's nothing wrong with me, and second, even if there was, he has made it more than clear that he doesn't. give. a. damn."
"Alright then", Arvid shrugged, "But work on getting some light back in your eyes and some blood to your skin because honestly it's like talking to an anemic ghost."
"Shut up. Get out".
As soon as Arvid had left she got to her feet, hastened towards the mirror. Sure, she looked pale, but it was December. The dullness in her eyes was easily explained by the lack of sleep she was experiencing. Blush, concealer, all the while her heart was thumping. Attempting a nap would be useless.
Maria's sister and her children were stopping by for a Christmas lunch, which incidentally coincided with when Thomas showed up. It was a blessing in a sense, because Liv could give him a quick, casual hug for a greeting just as she did her relatives. No lingering gaze but still the warmth that emitted from him reached her wherever they happened to be standing in the room. There had always been an angular and tortured beauty to him but now it was different. It was almost cruel. Healthy weight gave his skin a radiant glow in the Christmas lights, pink cheeks, that same dark tousled hair, and a fitting rib knit sweater. Liv stole quick glances at him while conversing with her aunt.
"Livvy, you look so pale, are you getting all your vitamins?", her aunt prodded and the unwelcome reminder caused her to frown.
"Sure, school's been a lot", she smiled tightly.
And wasn't there a slight turn of his head, she thought she imagined in the corner of her eye. God, she was pathetic.
When the guests were gone she fled to her room immediately. One hour passed, two, three, by now he must have gone, he must have. Then a knock was heard.
"Yes?", it had to be Arvid or her mom.
"Liv?"
She froze, sat up on the bed straight.
"Yeah?", she answered hoarsely.
"Can I come in?"
"Um... Sure."
There he was, in her room, by her bed, again. What would it be like to touch him again? Have him touch her again? Unconsciously she scooted further away on her bed.
"How are you?"
Even though the question seemed like a joke to her, she kept her face straight.
"Good."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. And you? I mean you look well... like really well", she mustered up a smile and gestured towards him.
"Thank you. Yes, I'm really better."
"You look it", she said again and pondered the pointless roundabout in their conversation.
It got awkward. Things never used to get awkward between them, not once - despite all the ups and downs they had gone through these last years.
"About what your aunt said..."
"Hm?"
"Are you sure your alright. You do look..."
Annoyance and frustration came rushing.
"What? Tired? Pale? Jesus, I'll drink more coffee next time since I seem to be such an eyesore for everyone."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. If you say nothing's wrong. It's just... Are you getting enough sleep?"
No fair, she thought, that he was there with that concerned glint in his eyes as if nothing had happened.
"Forgive my impoliteness but... honestly, that's not really your business is it?"
"Livvy", he said softly and reached for her shoulder and she almost rolled off her bed to escape his touch.
"No!", she shook her head to the devastated and confused looking countenance before her, "Don't do that. Don't come her acting all upset and concerned when we haven't talked in months. That wasn't part of it."
It struck her that it wasn't impossible he had forgotten about their deal. However, he nodded, as if remembering.
"If you're not doing well we'll put the six months on hold. I want to be there for you if..."
The audacity of his reasoning nearly brought her to laugh.
"You want to be there for me? That's fucking rich, Thomas."
When he still looked confused she continued.
"That's rich coming from you when you literally cut me out of your life completely while you got better. Now you want to act all bothered on my behalf. No, you go back to whatever it is that is working so well for you, which clearly doesn't include me in any sense."
"Liv, you don't understand...", he said with urgency.
"I do. We are done. Deal's off."