The unrevealed thoughts of the unknown girl

why do I start overthinking when its time to go to sleep....why cant I have a peaceful night...is it too much to ask.
I ask myself every time I look into the mirror, why do I feel so down everyday? Why do I still have depression? Why do I keep on hurting? Why am I still bleeding? Why does this pain inside of me never ends? Is there an end to all of this? Will I ever be happy? What could make me happy? Do I even know the definition of happiness?
And to be really honest. I don't know the answer to any of these questions.
I'm still trying to find myself in all these waves of darkness but its getting harder and harder every time. The real question is...Will I ever get out of this maze of darkness?
I'm sitting on my bed right now and I get a flashback of my younger self. The younger me that harms herself just to be accepted in some kind of way by Society. She used to starve herself to get thinner, to become pretty or acceptable in the eyes of people. But why was it so important to be accepted by others? The younger me was so eager to just be called beautiful for once in her life, she used to love herself and accepted herself just the way she was...but who knew one comment could ruin everything for this little one.
Was it even worth it?
Lines covered her arms and legs like rivers separating landscapes but the difference was that her lines weren't beautiful rivers but permanently scars. She could not care less because everything that was burdening her was gone. Many would say Its a sick way of thinking but for her it was a release from the pain that she was carrying...it was too much for her. She just needed an escape and at that moment there it was.
Its still fresh in my head...staring at the bottle of pills and nothing thinking twice. ¨One.¨ Gulp ¨Two.¨ Gulp ¨Three.¨ Gulp ¨Four.¨ Gulp ¨Five.¨ Gulp....She kept on going till She almost finish the bottle of pills, she counted 12 but she wasn't sure....she was feeling drowsy and sick so she laid down and started letting it kick in...but after 10 to 20 minutes she started thinking about her brother the person that meant the world to her and with that thought she got up and went to the bathroom and started throwing up. She felt bad because she thought she could not leave her brother on this lonely world alone...So she kept it together.
But after 2/3 months she was at the same spot she was a few months ago but this time it was not the pills, she became best friend with....it was the razor and after that it was every sharp object she could find that could scratch through her skin. She was looking for relief in every wrong place but it didn't matter to her.
Was she ever going to stop? Was there a solution to her pain? Will she ever heal from these traumas?
So the real question is...now that she's grown a little does she have the same thoughts? Has she healed from everything?